di•vorce

1. The legal dissolution of a marriage.

2. A complete or radical severance of closely connected things.

From The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language

The dictionary definition of divorce is deceptively simple. The dictionary gives no hint of the emotional turmoil, the heartbreak, and long term consequences involved in the “legal dissolution of a marriage.” Anyone who has been through or witnessed a divorce of a friend knows that when kids are involved that a “complete or radical severance” is just not possible. With the birth of a child, lives are permanently connected - for better or for worse.

There is no question that when parents divorce, children suffer. Their world is torn apart. They are forced into new situations over which they have no control. Their parents behave in ways they may have never seen. New people appear in their lives. The structure and routine of their family life shatters and they don’t know what the future may hold. However, children in a marriage fraught with disrespect, lack of trust or abuse can suffer as well. What children learn, they learn for a lifetime.

While there is no way to make a divorce easy on a child, there are good and bad ways of handling the situation. Putting the needs of the child first is the most important way to help him or her through it.

“I encourage parents to spend time thinking through what the child’s needs are,” explains Dr. Judith Siegel, author of What Children Learn from Their Parents’ Marriage: It May Be Your Marriage, But It’s Your Child’s Blueprint for Intimacy. “Most parents are caught up in a horrible crisis of their own and it’s a hard thing to think about the child’s needs first, especially if the biggest point of conflict is the child.”

A divorce and what follows can have a dramatic impact on how the child views love, marriage and life. For this reason, parents need to realize their child’s future is still in both of their hands. Putting the child first means finding new ways of communicating and problem solving without falling into the emotional and relational habits that may have caused the divorce in the first place.

EFFECTIVE PARENTING STRATEGIES
Tell the child together. The first step is for the parents to present the child with a united front when they break the news about divorce. Dr. Dana Rofey, a clinical psychologist at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh says the way parents talk with the children is important.

“There are a lot of ways that children find out their parents are getting divorced. It’s a confusing time and the kids should get the news from both parents,” she advises. “Tell the kids that you love them and the divorce is not their fault.”

Even if one parent is reluctantly going through the divorce process, it’s important to break the news together. Children will be most interested in how their lives will change.

“At this point, everything is emotional and raw,” explains Dr Siegel. “You don’t need to justify the divorce. You need to help the child make sense of it and adjust.” She says that the simplest message to convey is that it is sad when people divorce. The child will be focused on how his or her world will change. Reassuring them that they will be loved and cared for is important.

How much you tell the child depends on the age and the circumstances. Children don’t need to be told intimate details. However, if the child is likely to encounter stories about one or both parents in public, it’s important that they hear it from the parents first.

Don’t confuse roles. Don’t burden your child with your own frustration and depression. If you find yourself lashing out or depending on your child for comfort, find a friend in whom you can confide or seek professional help. It’s not fair to the child to make her your emotional crutch, even if he or she seems willing.

“Young children are likely to jump right in and try to help the parent,” says Dr. Siegel. “Oftentimes, they get power and positive feed- back for doing so.” But it’s not an appropriate relationship between parent and child. Even years after the divorce, it’s important to let the child be the child.

“Parents can make it easier on the children if they do not use the child as a messenger and if they are respectful of the other parent and don’t say bad things about the other parent in front of him or her,” explains Doug*, who was separated from his ex-wife before his son was born.

He also says that adult situations need to remain with the adults and that parents should not involve the child in custody or divorce matters.

“Giving kids a choice and letting them pick is not ideal,” Dr. Rofey explains. “Custody decisions are family dependent. The best arrangement is based on how available each parent can be to the child. Not just the child’s wishes.”