Monkees In A Ghost Town
 
Written by Robert Schlitt and Peter Meyerson
Episode # 7
Original Airdate: October 24, 1966

 
SETTING: In the Monkeemobile leaving the city with Nesmith driving 
while Micky points out to the guys on a map where they are going. 
They travel into the desert and see the sign "Clarksville 12 Miles".




 
Singing a variation of a line from the song LAST TRAIN TO CLARKSVILLE 
"Take the last car to Ghost Town 
I'll meet you at the jail"
Peter: (coughing)
Along with everything else, Peter is allergic to dust
Nesmith: Man, I've heard of out of town jobs before, but this is ridiculous. 
How far do we got to go?
Micky: (holding a sextant) Did we pass the gas station with the drugstore




 on the corner yet?
Davy: Yeah, about a hundred and fifty miles back.
You guys went 150 miles before you realize that you missed your turn?
Micky: Ah, that's where we should have turned left.
Way to go, Micky, getting the guys lost again
Nesmith: I can't help wishing you would have mentioned that a little bit sooner, man. 
We're almost out of gas.
Gee, what's gonna happen next?
(the engine sputters and car stops) 
Nesmith: Yup. We're out of gas




 
SETTING: Ghost Town
Micky: (looking around the Ghost Town) 
Lucky you guys ran out of gas in a town rather than somewhere out in the desert
Micky: Well, it's a nice place to visit, I wouldn't want to live here.
Hey, isn't that a title of a later episode?
(A signal light turns to green)
Peter: Cross at the green, not in between.
There is a fine if you don't!
Davy: He's been out in the sun too long.
Ever notice that none of the guys get sunburned?
Micky: He was no bargain in the shade.
Just when is Peter a bargain then?
Nesmith: Hey look, ah, Peter, you and Micky go up this end of town 
and Davy, you and I go down this end for some gas or something. 
Nesmith forever ordering everyone around
Davy: See you later
Nesmith: (to Davy) Do you see anything?
You mean besides dirt, dust and old abandoned buildings?
Davy: (walking out of a building) No. I don't mind telling you it's making me nervous.
Nesmith: (Nesmith dressed as bad boy Black Bart) 
Nervous, eh? You're a yellow lizard coward, Slade.
Nesmith: (Nesmith dressed as good cowboy Slade) 
So, Kincade paid a hired killer to come and get me.
Singing a variation of a line from the Bad Finger song COME AND GET IT 
"If you want me here I am come and get me...better make your mind up fast...
did I hear you say there must be way to take Slade from his money" 
Davy: (Davy dressed as a cowboy Kincade) 
That's right, Slade. I paid him five hundred dollars for your life.
His price is cheap
Slade: Five hundred dollars, huh? Well, I've got three words for you, Black Bart.
PLEASE Don't shoot Davy- the lives of millions of fans would be crushed
Black Bart: Yeah? What are they?
You had to go and ask
Slade: Six hundred dollars?
Do I hear 700? 600 going once 600 going twice
Black Bart: Kincade, you're a yellow lizard coward. 
(draws gun and shoots Kincade)
Good shot
Kincade: Waah (staggers back and dies)
You forgot to bleed, Kincade, from the gunshot wound before you died
Slade: Whew




 
SETTING: Inside one of the buildings in the Ghost Town
Peter: (looking at a large triangle) I guess they used this to call cowboys to supper.
Actually, cowboys would come after hearing the triangle to shoot the person 




who is doing the infernal racket on the triangle
Micky: What do you want that old thing for?
Triangles never really caught on as a great musical instrument
Peter: I used to play one of these in high school.
(Peter bangs on the triangle)
I'm glad he doesn't play it anymore
Micky: It's really neat. (uncovering his ears)




 
SETTING: In the Ghost Town's jail
George: (to Lenny) There's somebody out there. 
(they grab their guns and walk outside)
OH NOOO.




 
MONKEES THEME and INTRODUCTION 




 
SETTING: Inside another building in the Ghost Town
Peter: Micky? Mick-Micky? 
Peter's thought: "Where are you? Quit playing hide and go seek. 
I won't play that triangle anymore"
Micky: I've got you now, Marshall. 
(points one of his drumsticks at Peter)
What exactly do you have him for, Marshall?




 
SETTING: Ghost Town
(gunshots heard)
Davy: Hey man, if this is a ghost town, what do you call that?
Nesmith: Off-hand I'd call it a circle of bullets around our feet.
Nothing gets past our Nesmith
George: All right, you guys, hoist them. You heard me, reach!
Are they going to do stretching exercises?
They were sitting in the Monkeemobile for quite a long time
Nesmith: Hey, you're pretty tough with a gun in your hand, aren't you?
I don't believe there could be anyone 
who is not tough with a gun in his or her hand
Lenny: Heh, heh. You think so, huh? 
Well, you ought to see him with a cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth. 
George, show them that mean look you get when you squint your eyes. Go on, George.
George had his mug shot taken with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth
George: Oh, come on!
George's thought: "I got drunk once at a party 10 years ago and
pretended to play gangster. Now Lenny has to see the 
cigarette-hanging-out-of-the-corner-of-my-mouth-while-holding-a-gun look all the time"
Nesmith: Hey look. We've gotta split.
Wanna split a banana split?
George: Lenny, give them your famous line.
Everyone should have a famous line
Although it is not proper grammar to use the word "ain't"
George: I'm not so sure they're alone. You keep these two on ice while I look around.
Smart guy- for a crook
Lenny: Hey, hey. But George ...? Where am I gonna get ice in the desert.
(Davy brings Lenny a large block of ice)
I'd like to know how Davy could keep a block of ice 
from melting in the middle of the desert
Nesmith: Hey, look. What do you want?
Be careful what you wish for- you might never get it
Lenny: What do I want? I want what any man wants. 
A job and security and a home, going to PTA meetings and cookouts on weekends.
That's what I want.Can, can you give me all of that?
I didn't know that people really want to attend PTA meetings
Nesmith: Well, no
Lenny: Then shut-up!
How does it feel, Nesmith, having Lenny ordering you around?
Nesmith: Okay.
Okay. You don't have to say it twice, Lenny
Lenny: Now come on get out of here. Get out!




 
SETTING: Inside a building in the Ghost Town
Peter: First we get lost and run out of gas and then Mike and Davy 
disappear and then someonestarts shooting off a machine gun 
and now this guy is searching the town.
Way to cleverly recap what has happened so far in this episode, writers
Micky: That's for the benefit of any of you who've tuned in late. 
And now, back to our story.
This is a story? Who's writes this stuff?




 
SETTING: In the Ghost Town's jail
Lenny: Heh-heh. George, George. Tell me how it's gonna be when the Big Man gets here.
Lenny likes to hear fiction stories
George: Okay, Lenny. I'll tell you.
George's thought: "This is the last time I'm gonna tell you. Try to remember it"
Lenny: Heh-heh. Go on, George.
George: When the Big Man gets here, we're gonna take our cut 
and we're gonna scram out of here.
Lenny: And take our cut.
A cut of beef?
George: Hey, what about the kids?
Davy: Yeah, what about the kids?
You mean the TV show "The Kids In The Hall"?
Nesmith: Yeah
Don't interrupt someone who has a gun handy
Lenny: Why should you get a cut, you've never done nothing!
What do you mean- they found you crooks in the middle of the desert hiding out
Lenny needs to work on his grammar- it's "never done anything"
George: I mean about knocking them all off. 
(puts his hands in the air in a expression that he is changing his mind) 
Never mind, we'll let the Big Man worry about that. It's his caper.
Like "The Great Muppet Caper"?
Lenny: We have never seen him, I wonder why he gave us this job.
I wonder too




 
SETTING: Inside a building in the Ghost Town
Micky: Hey, I got an idea.
When does Micky not have an idea?
(Peter puts a light bulb over Micky's head)
It's Peter's job to put a light bulb over Micky's head whenever Micky gets an idea
CAPTION: STAY TUNED FOR MICKY'S IDEA




 
SETTING: In Ghost Town's Jail
Davy: I wonder what happened to Micky and Peter.
They formed their own group and left Nesmith and Davy rotting in jail- just kidding
Nesmith: Maybe they'll come see us on visiting day.
When is visiting day?
Lenny: Hey, George, I wish the Big Man was here.
So do I. I want to see what's so "big" about him
George: Take it easy, Lenny. He'll get here when he's ready.
(Peter slams open door and dressed as a gangster)
Talk about a coincidence
Peter: (in a gangster voice) He's ready. Okay, boss
(Micky's dressed as a gangster too and turns around and enters the room)
Nice threads Peter and Micky. I won't ask where you found them
Micky: (doing his James Cagney voice) Alright, then. 
Where is everybody? This place is like a ghost town. (laughs)
This episode's very lame joke
George: Who are you?
Singing a line from the Who song WHO ARE YOU 
"Who are you (Ooooh ooh ooooh ooh)
I really want to know 
Who are you" 
Micky: (laughing) That's rich. Bright boy wants to know who I am. 
I like that, Spider, the bright boy.
Lenny: You ain't - the Big Man?
Peter: (takes off hat) They don't come no bigger.
I love the tousled hair and the look Peter gives to the camera
But do gangsters come smaller?
Lenny: Well, boss, sure am glad to see you.
Lenny and George's thought: "You owe us money"
George: We didn't think you were gonna make it.
(reaches out to shake Micky's hand)
Did you run out of gas too?
Peter: (slaps George's hand) Nobody touches the Big Man's trigger finger.
Well, what can he touch?
Micky: Alright, where's the dough?
Covered in a bowl sitting in a warm place as the yeast ferments
George: Oh, it's right over here, boss.
Micky: Who are they?
Lenny: A couple of kids who stumbled in on us.
Why is it always kids who discover crooks hiding out and not adults? 
Micky: Oh, give Spider the keys and he'll take care of the kids in the cell. 
Pay attention, Peter
Micky: Won't you, Spider? Won't you, Spider?
Peter: What? What?
Micky: Right, Spider? The kids in the cell.
Peter: Yeah, the kids in the cell.
George: Wait a minute. I didn't hear no car. How'd you get here?
For a crook he is a smart thinker
Micky: How'd we get here with no car? We...ah...coasted up, we coasted up, 
because that saves on gas- inexpensive during the getaways, you know. Yeah. 
Which reminds me, I think we left the motor running in the car, Spider. 
We better go check on it. Guessing we'll see you guys later.
Come on, you can't just leave Nesmith and Davy to rot in jail
George: Wait a minute. Give me your famous line, Lenny.
No, I don't want to hear it again
Lenny: Huh. You, you ain't going no place.
Peter: Wait a minute. This is the Big Man and I'm Spider.
Now you are paying attention, Peter, when it's too late
Micky: Yeah, I'm the Big Man.
What's "big" about you, Micky?
Peter: You can't step on a Spider!
Lenny: Why not?
Peter: It'll rain.
That's just an old superstition
CAPTION: STAY TUNED FOR MICKY'S NEXT IDEA
He has a million of them you know
Lenny: Yeah, you guys. I'm real upset about that. 
Trying to fool George and me. Right, come on. 
(opens the cell with his key and puts Micky and Peter into the cell with Mike and Davy) 
Lenny: You in there.
George: Oh, and boys. I wouldn't try to get out.
There's nothing around here but miles of desert. Have fun.
Davy: Fun in the desert. That's all we need.
Peter: Yeah, fun in the desert.
I'd have fun in the desert if Nesmith, Micky, Davy and Peter were there




 
TOMMORROW'S GONNA BE ANOTHER DAY romp
Nesmith, Micky, Peter and Davy are seen as:
French Legionnaires walking in the desert, 
They must be hot wearing those uniforms
Peter jumping around with just a wire frame of an umbrella,
he looks so cute
playing in a sandbox, 
Look this way guys 
at the beach wearing red spandex bathing shorts and suspenders, 
You got to be pretty fit in order to look good in those bathing shorts,
I cringe to think what they would look like wearing them these days
Fearing a computer short circuit, I have to refrain from any more comments 
on the bathing shorts
running along the beach wearing jeans with no shirts, 
Warning: Hot guys at the 
and riding a camel in the desert
A surfboard, I guess, is for the times when they find an oasis and want to "Hang 10"




 
SETTING: In Ghost Town's Jail
(The Monkees are pacing the cell with each person putting one hand on the shoulder 
of the person ahead of him and singing a line from the song THE SONG OF THE 
VOLGA BOATMEN)
Lenny: (Lenny is playing jacks) 23 23 23
George, when do you think the real big man gonna come?
George's thought: "Quit asking me every 5 minutes- you're like a little 
kid on a trip who constantly asks "Are we there yet?'"
George: (looking out a window) The real big man ought to be here 
any minute. You keep an eye on the boys
(George leaves the jail)
Where is he going?
(The guys pacing around the cell with their hands on each other's shoulders)
Micky: A shovel!
Thought caption: MICKY'S NEXT IDEA
Peter: So what, we don't have a sandbox.
Micky: Hey Lenny, can we see you a minute?
(whispering to Nesmith, Davy and Peter) 
Micky: If we get that shovel we can dig our way out.
Peter, you forgot to put the light bulb over Micky's head when he got an idea
Lenny: Yeah, what do you want?
Didn't we go through this before- a job, security, a home, go to PTA meetings 
and cookouts on weekends 
Micky: What kind of jail is this anyway? There's no exercise period! 
(starts to move his hands across the cells bars pretending to make noise)
Well, you don't want people to comment at your funeral about how flabby you were
Lenny: You want to exercise before you get bumped off. 
Well, you just jump up and down and up and down right there in your cell.
Now they are going to do some stretching exercises- 
they were sitting in the Monkeemobile for a long time
(Peter starts jumping up and down. Mike stops him)
Peter's thought: "Don't do that"
Micky: Well, we want to play baseball.
Singing a line from the baseball "anthem" TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME 
"Take me out to the ball game
Take me out to the crowd
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks
I don't care if I ever get back. 
Let me root root root for the home team for 
it's one two three strikes you're out at the old ball game" 
Lenny: Now I ain't got a bat. Now don't bother me.
Good, bats just live in dark caves hanging upside down dreaming of blood anyway
Micky: Well, we could use that shovel.
Lenny: What? How could you play ball in a cell?
Good question, Lenny
Micky: Well, we'll bunt a lot.
Lenny is a real sucker
Peter: Ah, thanks. Thanks Lenny!
Micky: Yeah, thanks a lot. Hey, can we use your ball?
Micky, where are your manners- you didn't say please
(Lenny takes a red ball out of his pants pocket along with a white mouse and jacks)
Hey, didn't I see that in "Of Mice And Men"?
Lenny: Yeah, but don't you lose it.
Micky: Oh no. I won't lose it. Hey, we won't. Don't worry.
They promise, they promise, they promise
Nesmith: Thanks, Lenny
Micky: Hey give me the shovel. We'll take turns.
That's very democratic of you, Micky
Peter: I thought we were going to play baseball.
Nesmith: First we'll escape then we'll play baseball.
Everyone who escapes from jail has a sudden urge to play baseball
Davy: We're going to have to cover up the sound of our digging some how. 
They're going to hear us!
Nesmith: Well, we could play.
Good thinking, Nesmith




 
PAPA GENE'S BLUES romp
While digging: 
Peter finds surfers,
Peter keeps safety first by wearing a miner's hardhat while digging
How did the surfers get the guy's surfboards from the camel in the desert?
they put a sign over the hole that says "Pitcher's Mound" to distract Lenny 
from what they were really doing,
Clever idea, but the pitchers mound isn't regulation size
while digging Davy finds a heard of running cattle,
Watch out- they're not going to stop
while digging Micky finds cowboys on horses,
Micky's thought: "Help! help! damm, they won't stop"
Nesmith chases Micky, Peter and Davy around the cell with a red plastic bat, 
I got a feeling that Nesmith really liked doing this
Davy throws a pitch to the camera, 
Is it the camera's turn at bat again?
Micky winds up his arm before pitching, 
He looks like Pete Townsend doing Pete's 
trademark arm winding while he plays guitar
Davy slides into a base, 
Safe!
while digging Nesmith finds a tiger, 
He doesn't seem to be much of a threat though
Lenny as the umpire calls them out, 
No arguing with the umpire or otherwise you are out of the game
while digging Davy finds a speeding train, 
Davy's thought: "Not again- can't we find someone to help us who is not traveling 
80 miles per hour?"
while digging Peter finds the band performing on a stage with a purple background, 
Those guys look familiar
while digging Micky finds 2 people on camels by the Great Egyptian Pyramids, 
Hey come over here- that's our camel
while digging Nesmith finds a baseball field,
Nesmith loves baseball fields 
and while digging Peter finds the cell next door
He demanded his own cell in his contract
 
SETTING: In Ghost Town's Jail
(Peter comes back through the hole after being the in the cell next door)
Peter: Hey guys. The cell next door is much nicer.
What makes it nicer? A comfy bed mattress to sit on?
Micky: We got to find another way to escape.
Thought caption: STAY TUNED FOR MICKY'S NEXT IDEA
George: Where did they get that shovel?
Who do you think could be conned into giving the guys the shovel, George?
Lenny: They only wanted to play ball.
Yeah, everyone loves baseball- it's America's pastime
George: Give me that! 
(Davy gives George the shovel) 
(A car is heard and seen pulling up outside the jail)
(George shakes the shovel at the guys)
George: You guys' will be using this shovel to dig your own graves!
Oh NOOO…
Lenny: Who's that?
Pay attention Lenny
George: (hits Lenny in the chest) The Big Man.
(George throws the shovel aside)
(Bessie comes in)
Bessie: Okay punks, where's the loot?
Don't mess with a lady who has an 
ugly looking feather in her hair
George: Come on lady, the PTA meeting is down the block.
What's with the crooks constantly mentioning the PTA in this episode?
Bessie: You got to be George. You got a big mouth.
George's reputation precedes him
George: That's right. Who are you?
Singing a line from the Who song WHO ARE YOU 
"Who are you (Ooooh ooh ooooh ooh). I really want to know. Who are you"
Bessie: I ain't the Welcome Wagon.
Okay, Lenny, think real hard, who are George and yourself waiting for?
Lenny: You, uh, ain't the Big Man?
Bessie: Nah. I'm the Big Woman- the Big Man's wife.
Lenny: Then where's your husband?
Hey Lenny, why can't a woman be the "Big Man" in charge? 
Bessie: My husband got too big. (pointing at herself) Now I'm the Big Man.
Okay, Okay you want to be the Big Man fine
George: I don't believe her Lenny, any more then these kids. I think you got to be a mother!
(Bessie slaps him)
George: Hey!
Bessie: (puts her finger in his face) Don't ever call me that.
Bessie can be so sensitive
George: Why you ... Hey! 
(Bessie pulls George to the floor)
Don't mess with old Bessie
Monkees: (Cheering)
Way to go old lady- it's about time someone put George in his place
Bessie: What's this? A Boy Scout camp? Never mind, get rid of them.
Yeah, they just finished a baseball game: Monkees 4 Crooks 0
George: (gets to his feet) You heard the Big Man! Go knock them off! 
Quick, before they start singing again.
Bessie: Singing?
Yeah, you know- "do ra me fa so la ti" 
Lenny: Yeah, they were singing before.
Did you get the ear plugs out of your ears?
Bessie: Oh yeah? Hey, you boys singers? You ever worked professionally?
Nesmith: Uh, yes ma'am. We're a group. We're the Monkees.
Singing a line from the MONKEES THEME 
"Here we come walking down the street 
we get the funniest looks from everyone we meet. 
Hey Hey were the Monkees"
Bessie: Oh, chimpact, huh?
What does that mean?
Nesmith: (shakes head) No. Hey, it sounds like you know show business.
Nesmith, I beg you, don't get Bessie talking about her career in show business
Bessie: (counting a stack of bills in her hand) Show business? 
Sonny, thirty years ago the name Bessie Kowalski brought a throb to millions of hearts.
CAPTION inside a heart: BESSIE WHO?
That's what I'd like to know too
Peter: Oh, I bet you had a lot of heart, Bessie.
Yeah, didn't you just see how big it is?
Bessie: Thank you, sonny. You're a nice, sensitive boy. 
He's good boy too
Bessie: Lenny?
Lenny:  Yeah?
Bessie: Take them out and shoot them. 
What happened to Bessie having a lot of heart?
Micky: Hey, wait a minute.
Now, Nesmith, don't go ordering Bessie around like you do the others
Davy: Maybe, as one singing act to another we could have a last request.
Davy wants to be (taken out) shot while singing
Bessie: I don't do requests. Lenny...
However, Bessie will do encores
Micky: (overdramatically) In just a little while, we'll be up in the palladium in the sky 
but before we go, we'd like to do one last number.
Thought caption: MICKY'S NEXT IDEA
Bessie: Sure, sonny. I know how it is. Once a trooper, always a trooper. 
Isn't that something little Shirley Temple said in one of her movies?
Bessie: Lenny...Let them do their number then shoot them.
I hope the guys know the song "Then Shoot Them"
Peter: Bessie. We'd be honored if you'd do the number with us.
Good thinking, Peter- distract her by having her sing along
Nesmith: (sighs) Phoo
Singing a variation of the TV theme song to SAVED BY THE BELL 
"When they wound up in a ghost town only to find some crooks hiding out. 
I don't think they're going to leave town alive. 
By the time the crooks found them Micky had an idea. 
They were locked in jail but Micky ideas kept coming. 
It's all right cause they're saved by Micky" 
 
SETTING: In the Ghost Town's saloon
(Mike is sitting playing the piano with Bessie sitting on top of the piano)
Bessie: (singing) "Everybody loves my baby, but my baby don't love 
nobody but me nobody but me"
That's kind of a sad song to sing when on the verge of being knocked off
Nesmith: Well, that's alright Bessie, we'll try something that's a little more up.
Good- I would hate to hear that it was the last song the guys sang
Bessie: Oh, good idea. Good idea. (singing)
"Hi, neighbor, Hi, neighbor! What do you know, and what do you say. 
Hi, neighbor, Hi, neighbor! Throw all your troubles away"
Nesmith: (motions to Davy) There's a telephone over there. Go use it.
Davy's thought: "You're not the boss of me, Nesmith"
(Davy goes over to the old fashioned phone on the wall and winds up the ringer)
I hope it works!
 
SETTING: Indian Camp
Indian: (answers the call with a hand held old fashioned phone) Hello.
Davy: We're being held prisoners in a ghost town.
Indian: Me cannot help. Me primitive Indian chief know nothing about white man's problem.
Davy: You've got to help!
Well, I guess it's payback time since the white man did little to prevent Indian lands 
from being taken during the time of the Old West and because all primitive Indian chiefs 
with phones don't help white men held captive in a ghost towns
Indian: Wait a minute, other phone ringing. Me put you on hold. 
(puts down phone and picks up a line on a phone switchboard)
Who is calling him?
 
SETTING: In the Ghost Town's saloon
Davy: Hello? Hello?
(George approaches Davy with his gun) 
George: Come on. You've got to listen with the rest of us.
Davy's thought: "Oh Please no more. I can't stand Bessie's singing"
Davy: Oh, hello.
Bessie: Okay, Lenny, now let's rub them out.
Nesmith: Bessie, do you know you could get the chair for this?
Bessie: No, I don't think I remember that one. 
Oh sure you do- it's very popular with death row inmates in prisons
Bessie: Let's do "Everybody Loves My Baby" again. That's a good one. Come on.
(Mike begins the song on the piano and smiles at Bessie)
Lenny: You know George, I think I'm falling in love- with the big man.
Why? 
George: You know how she bumped off Mr. Big? She sang him to death.
You're probably right, George
Nesmith: (motioning with his head to Davy) Uh, look, I hate to tell you this…
Davy: You want me to use the phone again, huh?
Singing a line form the Who song WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN 
"We won't get fooled again
Won't get fooled again" 
Nesmith: Right
(Davy goes over to the old fashioned phone on the wall and winds up the ringer)
 
SETTING: Another Ghost Town just outside the General Store
Chester: (gets up from a rocking chair and answers the phone) 
Hello! This is Chester.
It's Chester's turn to answer the General Store's phone
Davy: This is Davy Jones. We've got a serious problem.
Chester: Problem, huh? I better get Mr. Dylan
Davy: Marshall Dillon?
You know from "Gunsmoke"
Chester: No, Bob Dylan. He can write a song about your problems. 
(hangs up the phone)
Singing a variation of the Bob Dylan song LIKE A ROLLING STONE 
"How would you feel to run out gas in a deserted ghost town 
and find crooks hiding out like the Monkees do
How would you feel to be trapped in jail with no way to get 
home with miles of desert seen like the Monkees do
How would you feel to dig a tunnel in an escape attempt 
when the big woman comes like the Monkees do
How would you feel ordered to be killed by a fellow singer 
and get one last encore like the Monkees do" 
 
SETTING: In the Ghost Town's saloon
Davy: Hello? Hello? (George approaches Davy with his gun) I'm trying to get an agent
I'll do it Davy
(Davy walks over to Mike and whispers that he couldn't get help on the phone)
Sorry, man, I couldn't find an agent
Bessie: Okay, fellas, the recital's over.
Nesmith: No, Bessie, you're doing beautiful. 
He can smooth talk anybody
Nesmith: Uh, look, we do things different nowadays. And, uh, try this! 
(shows her some sheet music) You can do this, uh.
Bessie: I can do this. Hit it! 
I hope she's not referring to shooting the guys again
(Bessie and the guys sing a bit of THE MONKEES THEME with their instruments) 
Bessie: Hey, come on, you mugs, join in.
Hey, where did they find Lenny and George's police mug shots?
George: Ah, come on
Nesmith: Come on, Lenny. Come on up here and play with us.
Yeah suckers
Bessie: Come on.
Monkees and Bessie: Come on, George
Monkees thought: "Hey, we can trick them into giving us their guns"
Davy: Come on, man. Here you are Lenny, try these maracas they're ...
It is a very difficult instrument to use when trying to get a gun away from someone
Lenny: What do I do? Hold this (Hands Davy his gun)
Good going Davy
Micky: You've got the gun! Use it!
Don't yell, Micky, he will use it when he's good and ready
George: Don't shoot!
Don't shoot- it's only a TV show!!
Nesmith: Keep singing Bessie, keep singing. 
(Turns on the player piano)
(Bessie keeps singing "The Monkees Theme")
(George aims gun)
Lenny: Careful there, you might hit the Big Man.
Well, it would be a mercy killing if you did
(Bessie is standing on the stage discarding the sheet music for "The Monkees Theme")
Peter: Hey we shouldn't be here behind the bar. We're too young!
Actually, only Davy and Micky would be under age at the time of this episode
Micky: So go out then.
(shots are fired over their heads)
Peter: That's what I said. We're fine just right where we are.
Good thinking
Micky: (as a carnival broker) Very very good. 
Now knock the rest of the bottles off the shelf and win a Kewpie doll.
What if you don't want a Kewpie doll?
(the carnival broker can't stop the person shooting at the bottles and gets upset)
OKAY OKAY I'll give you something else
(more shots are heard and the guys pretend to be targets in a shooting game)
Singing a variation of a line from the song YOU CAN'T TIE A MUSTANG DOWN
"Remember you can't shoot a Nesmith down. 
No you can't keep a Nesmith down. 
You can't seem to win a Kewpie doll. 
Oh, no, you can't shoot a Nesmith down"
Micky: Now this is the moment when the calvary usually rides up.
You mean like in old movie Westerns?
(The calvary rides by, playing THE MONKEES THEME)
Micky: Hey! Here we are! Don't trust the calvary.
I never have
George: They can't hit us from there. We'll just wait them out.
I wouldn't be to sure about that, George
Peter: Hey, doesn't that gun every run out of bullets?
Peter, you had to go and say it
Davy: Hey, it can't. We're the good guys. 
(the gun runs out of bullets)
Davy: (cocks the gun) I guess we're not so good after all.
Oh sure you are- just not at getting away from gangsters
(Davy throws the gun, and a bullet fires out, knocking George's gun from his hand)
George: Hey Lenny, I never seen shooting like that in my life!
Who knew that Davy was such an excellent marksmen
Lenny: He's good, George!
George: We give up. Don't shoot!
Micky: (using his James Cagney voice) Alright Spider, give them your famous line.
Peter: (gangster voice) You guys ain't...
Come on, Peter, you can remember it?
Lenny: (mouths) Going nowhere
Peter: (nods) You guys ain't going' nowhere
Nice going, Peter
(Cops cuff Bessie)
Bessie: You wouldn't do this to Barbara Streisand.
Of course not because she's never broken the law
Cop: You boys performed a real public service.
"A Real Public Service"? I'm afraid I don't know that one. 
Hum a few bars of it
Bessie: Right, they brought me out of retirement. 
You'll be glad to know that while we're in stir the boys and me are gonna work up a new act.
You are- with George and Lenny? 
I didn't even know George and Lenny could sing or play an instrument.
I guess they will have plenty of time to learn how to sing and play an instrument in jail though
Monkees: Alright.
George and Lenny, just when are you going to tell Bessie 
that you have no music or instrument experience?
Bessie: What do you think of the name "Bessie and the Bullets"?
Micky: Yeah.
Davy: "Bessie and the Bullets" (laughs)
You're right, Davy, it's a stupid name
Bessie: Yah!
 
SETTING: Ghost Town
Monkees: (saying goodbye and carrying their instruments to the waiting Monkeemobile)
Cop: Hey fellas.
Davy: Yeah?
Cop: You'll be happy to know there's a reward for the capture of this crowd. 
Take this down to the police station.
This is a Ghost Town. Where is the police station? About 150 miles back
Davy: Oh, well. Gee, thanks!
Nesmith: (takes the reward ticket from the cop) Yeah...we can use the money.
Davy's thought: "Why does Nesmith always have to be in charge of the money"
Cop: (laughs)
Davy: Bye bye
Cop: Is that your car?
Davy: Yeah, isn't she a beauty?
Singing a line from the song SHE'S A BEAUTY 
"She's a beauty 
She's a one in a million girl
She's a beauty" 
Cop: Well, boys, she's in a no parking zone.
Monkees: No parking zone?
Did you see a "No Parking" sign? I didn't
Cop: You crossed against the light.
Hey I didn't see that- do the cops have hidden cameras looking for traffic violators?
Micky: What do you mean, parking
Copper, quit being so mean- the car probably ran out of gas before 
they could get into a parking space
Cop: And one more thing. Performing in a cabaret without a license.
That's a major offence
Peter: Without a...We don't...there's no cabaret...
Singing a line from the song CABARET 
"Come to the cabaret. 
Come hear the music play. 
Life is a cabaret old chum and I love a cabaret"
Peter: It's a ghost town, man! You can't...
Nesmith: (hands the cop back the reward ticket) Well, I guess that'll about take care of it.
Isn't it strange that the reward ticket and the fines are the same amount?
Monkees: Well, that's show business.
Singing a line from the song THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS 
"There's no business like show business like no business I know. 
Everything about it is appealing" 
(The Monkees drive away from the Ghost Town with Nesmith driving)
 
MONKEES THEME and END CREDITS
 
Some thoughts after viewing the episode:
Why didn't they have their instruments in the car when they got to the town-
they were going to an out of town gig? 
If the guys have been out in the sun 150 miles out of their way, how come they 
aren't a little sunburned? 
Why didn't Micky give Lenny back his ball when Lenny told Micky not to lose it? 
Just how far do the guys dig in order to find an Egyptian Pyramid, a baseball field,
a jungle and railroad tracks? 
Why is Micky holding a Raggedy Ann doll when he told George and Lenny that they would
win a Kewpie doll?
Why is Micky carrying out a guitar to the Monkeemobile instead of his drums?
Mike can't play the piano, so why doesn't Peter play the piano?
How did George and Lenny get to the town without a car?
Why is Bessie going to form Bessie and The Bullets with Lenny and George when she 
has never heard them sing or play any instruments?
How did the guys get the police to the ghost town when the phone wasn't working out?
How did the cop know that the guys crossed the street in between the street light
turning red to green and performed in a cabaret without a license?
How did the Monkeemobile have gas at then end of the episode when the guys 
never found any gas?
A Sextant is a tool used by sailors to measure the distance between the sun and the horizon. 
There is a reference to Lon Chaney- "the man of a thousand faces". In the early days
in Hollywood, the joke on a set was "don't step on a spider, it may be Lon Chaney"
Lon Chaney, Jr.(who played Lenny) also made several horror pictures just like his father. 
Lon Chaney, Jr. was born dead and black. His father took him out to the freezing river 
near their rural Oklahoma home and broke through the ice and submerged 
the baby.Thus shocking the baby back to life
"Chester" answers Davy's second phone call. Chester offers to get "Marshall Dillon" 
 which a reference to two characters from the TV Series "Gunsmoke" 
A Kewpie Doll was designed in 1910 by American illustrator Rose O'Neil. It was 
modeled after her baby brother complete with the tuft of hair he had. 

Note: Thanks to the Monkee Television for the script

Back to the Mystery Monkees Theater 2003 page