One Man Shy (Peter And The Debutante)

Written by Gerald Gardner & Dee Caruso and Treva Silverman
Episode #13
Original Airdate: December 5, 1966

 
SETTING: Cartwright Mansion
Nesmith, Micky, Peter and Davy are playing YOU JUST MAY BE THE ONE in 
the Cartwright Mansion on a bandstand wearing the 8-button red shirts. 
A close-up of Peter playing bass staring straight ahead at a woman sitting on a couch. 
Peter, it’s not nice to stare
Singing a line from the Monkees song I’M A BELIEVER
“Then I saw her face now I’m a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
I’m in love 
I’m a believer and 
I couldn’t leave her even if I tried”
The camera zooms out to reveal Nesmith is on the left playing guitar, Davy is in 
front playing tambourine, Micky is behind Davy playing drums and Peter is on the 
right playing bass on a bandstand.
(Cut to a woman is sitting on a sofa in front of the band listening and moving 
her head up and down with the music)
(Cut to a man pacing up and down near Nesmith)
The man is trying to get them to stop by clapping his hands together several times 
very quickly. Nesmith, Micky, Peter and Davy finish the song YOU JUST MAY BE THE ONE.
(A stray guitar note is heard)
Oops
Ronnie: That’s quite enough
No it isn’t. There’s no such thing as hearing the Monkees play enough
Ronnie: Now Valerie, you don’t really want these Chipmunks to play at your party
Valerie: (stands up) Yes I do, Ronnie, and they're not Chipmunks
Ronnie, the Chipmunks is a cartoon featuring 3 singing chipmunks (Alvin, Simon and Theodore) and their owner 
David Seville
Valerie: They're the Monkees
Singing a line from the Monkees song THE MONKEES THEME
“Hey Hey We’re the Monkees 
And people say we monkey around 
But we're too busy singing to put anybody down”
Ronnie: (to Valerie) But they're dreadful (Ronnie fakes a laugh to Nesmith, 
Micky, Peter and Davy) 
Nesmith, Micky, Peter and Davy: (fake a laugh to Ronnie)
Ronnie: (to Valerie) All that hair
All that snobbish
Valerie: (to Ronnie) Ronnie, please. (to Nesmith, Micky, Peter and Davy) 
Thank you very much fellas. That will be a week from Saturday
Groovy. They got a gig, but are they going to play for free?
Nesmith, Micky, Peter and Davy): (mumbling)
Valerie: I'll see you then (to Ronnie) Come on, Ronnie
Ronnie: Ohhh
(Valerie leaves the room and Peter tries to follow Valerie but is stopped by Ronnie)
Ronnie: I beg your pardon. A gentleman does not stare at a lady
I think its just cause he’s shy that he stares, Ronnie
Peter: A beggar can look at a queen
And a shy person can look at a princess
Ronnie: Oh, nevertheless. I thought you gentlemen might like to know I found 
your music primitive, grotesque and ugly
Yeah, but did you like it?
Well, that’s just one person’s opinion
Micky: But it sure keeps your foot tappin', don't it? 
(Micky taps out a quick beat on the drums)
Sure does
(Nesmith, Davy and Micky point to Ronnie)
(Ronnie leaves the room)
I wonder what it is that Valerie likes about him
Nesmith: (makes a fist with one of this hands) I don't like him at all
Singing a variation of the novelty song YOU’RE A MEAN ONE MR. GRINCH (from “How The Grinch Stole Christmas”)
“You're a rotten one, Ronnie Farnsworth
You're the king of all the snobs
Your heart's a selfish ugly red spot
that has no feelings, Ronnie Farnsworth”
Davy: I don't like him either
Singing a variation of the novelty song YOU’RE A MEAN ONE MR. GRINCH (from “How The Grinch Stole Christmas”)
“You're a mean one, Ronnie Farnsworth
You really are a snob
You're as cuddly as a porcupine
You're as charming as an seal, Ronnie Farnsworth”
Micky: I don't like him that much
Singing a variation of the novelty song YOU’RE A MEAN ONE MR. GRINCH (from “How The Grinch Stole Christmas”)
“You're an ugly one, Ronnie Farnsworth
You say insults with a smile
You have all the charm of a toad 
or a seasick crocodile, Ronnie Farnsworth”
(Peter walks over to the picture of Valerie above a fireplace. He stares 
adoringly at Valerie's portrait)
Peter’s thought: she’s beautiful. I wonder why she going out with that snob though
 
SETTING: In the Monkeemobile
Nesmith: Guys, you ready? Lets go 
Just make sure you got Peter before you leave. You know how much looking after he needs
Davy: Pete?
Nesmith: Pete?
Peter: (talking to Valerie’s painting in the back seat) 
How did he get the portrait into the Monkeemobile without Mike, Micky or Davy even noticing?
Peter: And then when I was eight years old my family moved to Connecticut and they 
took me with them and they put me in a private school for a year, but I didn't like 
that so them they put me in a public school the year after that...
Micky: Let's split 
(Mike starts the Monkeemobile’s engine)
Like a banana split?
Peter: ...because I wasn't at all happy at the private school
 
MONKEES THEME AND INTRODUCTION
 
SETTING: Monkees Pad
(Peter is sitting on the spiral staircase rubbing noses with Valerie's painting. 
Several jump Cuts show that he changes positions around the painting)
I guess Peter figures that this is the closest way he will ever get to Valerie
Singing a line from the song SINCE I FELL FOR YOU 
“I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to say 
Since I fell for you”
Nesmith: (steps forward to talk to Peter) Hey listen, Pete. Um, you know, 
if you really dig a chick you should tell her. You shouldn't steal her picture
Easy for you to say
Peter: I can't talk to girls
Singing a variation of the Pointer Sisters song HE’S SO SHY
“I'm so shy (she’s good lookin'), I’m so shy (really got me dreamin’)
That sweet lovely lady who caught my eye
I’m so shy (one in the World), I’m so shy (really got me wishin')
And she’s much too pretty to let get by”
Micky: Hey it's easy man. Talk. Pshaw, come on. I'll show you
Micky’s first idea for this episode
 
SETTING: Cartwright Mansion's garden
Micky: It worked great in Cyrano de Bergerac
Are you sure about this?
Peter: Yeah, but what if I freeze up?
Don’t worry, Peter, they’ll thaw you out
Micky: Shhh. Don't worry. Just keep your lips moving and we'll do the rest
Sounds easy enough
(The upstairs balcony door opens)
Micky: Here she comes, now call her
(Valerie steps out onto the balcony)
Peter: (hesitating) Miss Cartwright?
(Micky, Davy and Nesmith hide behind some bushes)
(Peter moves his lips up and down while the others speak for him)
Micky: I love you, my dear, more than I can tell you
Singing a line from the rock group Alias song MORE THAN WORDS
“I need you now more that words I need you now. I got to find a way to let you now”
Nesmith: I Love you
Singing a line from the Nat “King” Cole song “L-O-V-E”
“L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary 
E is even more than anyone that you adore”
(Ronnie steps out onto the balcony next to Valerie who is looking around)
Ronnie: Valerie, darling, come inside, it's chilly out here
I bet its chilly inside with Ronnie, ha ha?
Valerie: I thought I heard someone
(Cut to Peter continuing to move his mouth up and down and out of sync with 
what Nesmith, Micky and Davy are saying)
Davy: I love you more every day of the week
At least this was not one of the numerous episodes in which Davy calls in love
Micky: I love you twice as much on Friday because I want the weekend off
Don’t we all
Nesmith: This is working great, man. Let's do more. Go, go, go
No its not. Valerie went inside 
Davy: Speak to me, speak to me, my darling. I love you. Let me caress your head. 
Let me kiss you. I love you. Let me kiss you. Ohhh. I love
you like the swallow-tailed dove
Falling for a girl, it can’t be Davy every week
(A gardener approaches Peter who continues to move his mouth up and down and out 
of sync with what Nesmith, Micky and Davy are saying)
Gardener’s thought: What are you doing. You’re trespassing
Nesmith: I love you like the...
(Peter continues to move his mouth up and down and out of sync with what Nesmith, 
Micky and Davy are saying)
(Gardener punches Peter)
Peter: (looking at gardener who hits Peter in the jaw)
Nesmith, Micky and Davy: Ohhhh
Stay tuned for Micky’s next idea in the adventures of “The Monkees Vs. Ronnie Farnsworth”
 
SETTING: Monkees Pad
Micky: Come on, cheer up, Big Peter. It didn't work for Cyrano either
Okay, so what is you next idea, Micky
Peter: (holding a ice bag to his jaw) I'm not good even by proxy
Well, nobody’s perfect
Micky: I'll tell you what I do know. You've got to get that picture back 
before we all get in trouble
He’s right
(There’s a knock on door, Micky looks to see who it is)
Micky: It's Miss Cartwright
Uh Oohhh
(Peter takes the ice bag down off his jaw) 
 Micky: Hide the picture
(Nesmith and Davy hide portrait behind a mirror)
(Nesmith holds the mirror in place over the portrait)
Micky: (opening the door) Come Cart Miss in right. I mean, uh, hi
Don’t be nervous, Micky
Valerie: Hi. Just thought I'd stop by and see what music you'll be playing at the party
How did Valerie and Ronnie know where to find the Monkees Pad?
Micky: Oh, ah, ah, I thought we'd start out with, uh, "Last Train to
Portrait". I mean, ah, hi
Singing a variation of the Monkees song LAST TRAIN TO CLARKSVILLE 
“Take the last train to portrait
Peter takes it from the mansion
You can be there to admire
Cause I know you love her painting
Oh yes, yes, yes
Oh yes, yes, yes”
Valerie: You remember Ronnie Farnsworth?
How can they forget
Micky: I’d kneel but I have a trick knee
What’s the trick
Ronnie: What a dump
Quoting Bette Davis from the movie "Beyond The Forest"
Ronnie: This place is incredible. You'd have to call an
interior decorator in if you wanted to condemn it. Look at that lamp. 
Look at that table. (notices Nesmith holding the mirror and combing his hair. Davy 
is next to him holding Nesmith’s hat) Look at that person (looking at Nesmith). Look 
at that mirror. (to Nesmith) You, ah, really get a big kick out of yourself, don't ya?
Singing a line from the Cole Porter song I GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
“I got you under my skin. I got you in the deep in the heart of me”
Nesmith: Yeah, well I'm all I have
Ronnie: That's too bad
(Ronnie and Nesmith compare combs with Ronnie’s comb being larger)
(Mirror slips a bit)
Watch it
Ronnie: Valerie, Valerie that is your portrait. They're the ones who
stole it. I'm going to contact the authorities
Come on. They didn’t mean any harm
Micky: You’ll do and I’ll be sorry
Peter: I took the picture, Miss Cartwright
It’s good to be honest to a girl you like
Valerie: (smiles at Peter) That's alright, Peter. You can return it at the party. 
Come on, Ronnie
Thank goodness she’s understanding
(Valerie leaves)
Hey Valerie, you forgot to find out what music besides LAST TRAIN TO PORTRAIT the guys are going to play at the party
Ronnie: Monkees
Singing a line from the song THE MONKEES THEME 
“Here we come walkin' down the street
We get the funniest looks from, everyone we meet
Hey Hey we’re the Monkees” 
(Ronnie leaves)
(Micky closes the door)
Good Riddance
(Micky pantomimes a fight with Ronnie)
Nesmith: Come on, Micky, cool it. Now Ronnie's got a lot of very redeeming qualities
Yeah, like what
Davy: (dressed as old woman) He probably loves his mother
It seems like Davy is always the one who ends up dressing in drag
Micky: (with stuffed monkey) He's probably very kind to dumb animals
Who says that monkeys are dumb
Peter: (on hospital bed with an IV in his arm) He probably gives to the Red Cross
That’s good. Not enough people do
Nesmith: Anything else?
He probably only listens to classical music
Nesmith, Micky, Davy and Peter: (each dressed as Tarzan) We attack 
(they make a War cry sound, pound on chests and cough)
 
SETTING: Jacques Café 
Ronnie: Only the best for you, my dear. Garcon. Garcon. Some, ah,
champagne, the best in the house
Are Ronnie and Valerie celebrating something?
Davy: (disguised as the waiter) Oui, monsieur
I didn’t know Davy could speak French
Ronnie: (to Valerie) You look beautiful tonight, my dear 
I think its afternoon not night
Ronnie: Absolutely ravishing
(Davy gets a bottle of champagne, pounds cork further into the bottle with 
a mallet and hands the mallet to a customer)
Customer’s thought: Hey, I didn’t order this
Davy: Champagne, sir?
Ronnie: Ah yes. Champagne
(Davy struggles to open the bottle) 
Ronnie: Only one who is born to the grape knows the proper way to open champagne, 
here let me
So Ronnie doesn’t know how to open the bottle either
(Davy holds the bottle from the bottom while Ronnie struggles to pop out cork)
(The cork pops out)
(Cut to a building being knocked down)
Beware of flying corks
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 1- Monkees 1, Ronnie 0
 
SETTING: City Park
Ronnie: Art, Valerie, art
Yeah, what about it?
Valerie: (looking at a painting) That's nice 
Ronnie: Oh Valerie, no, no. See that doesn't say anything, it's abs... oh, but this. 
I mean, this is magnificent. (points at a large construction of steel pipes) A 
comment on the over-mechanized structure of our society
Ronnie’s deep into symbolism
(Nesmith is seen in disguise as a Park Department worker whipping the pipes with a rag) 
Ronnie: Ah, young man. Young man, are you the artist responsible for this 
magnificent creation?
Ronnie, can’t you read the back of his shirt? He’s from the park department
Nesmith: What are you, a nut?
What kind- of nut is he- a walnut, a peanut, a cashew, an almond..
Ronnie: Oh, no. I love it. I'm an authority. I must have it, I simply must have it
An authority on what- plumbing?
Nesmith: You can have it, but all it does it turn on the fountain
(Nesmith turns a dial and Ronnie gets water squirted in his face)
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 2- Monkees 2, Ronnie 0
 
SETTING: Just outside Centerville Drugstore
Ronnie: Valerie, please understand he was making that up
No he wasn’t
Micky: (disguised as a toy salesman) Take a toy home for the little nipper, sir?
Ronnie: Oh no, thank you very much
He doesn’t have a nipper at home
Micky: Ah, you don't like kids, huh?
Ronnie: Of course I like children very much (looking at Valerie)
Micky: Oh, then you'll love our new Derby doll
Derby doll? 
Micky: Here hold her (shoves the doll into Ronnie’s chest)
Ronnie: Oh, isn't she cute
Micky: Yeah, isn't she. The only doll on the market that really wets 
(Micky squeezes the control dial in his hand and Ronnie gets wets), spits 
(Micky squeezes the control dial in his hand and the doll squirts water 
into Ronnie's eye) and screams (Micky squeezes the control dial in his hand and 
the doll shrieks)
Ronnie: Say, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Micky: Nope, sorry. Gotta go now
(Micky quickly grabs his suitcase of toys and leaves)
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 3- Monkees 2, Ronnie 1
Ronnie: (to the camera) I'm beginning to smell a rat
Instead of a Monkee?
 
SETTING: Cartwright Mansion
(Looking at a promo photo of Nesmith, Micky, Davy and Peter)
Ronnie: I told you Valerie, I told you so. Now there is the waiter, there is 
(Valerie laughs) the park man and there is the toy salesman. A feeble plot to 
discredit me 
No it isn’t
Ronnie: Well, well, two can play at this game
Don’t you mean 5 can play at this game, Ronnie?
Ronnie: (to camera) Aha
 
SETTING: Cartwright Mansion’s garden
Valerie: Hello Peter (smiles at Valerie)
Peter: Hello Miss Cartwright
That’s a start, Peter, keep talking to her
Ronnie: Nice of you fellas to join us for this afternoon. You've shot skeet before, 
haven't you Tork?
Peter: Well, I, uh ...
Davy: (stepping forward) Well, actually Ronnie Farnsworth, I happen to be an expert 
with a gun
He is? I think that it is Peter who’s an expert with a gun. He did target shooting as a child and apparently is pretty good
Ronnie: Very well, Jones. You don't mind if I shoot first, do you?
(Ronnie points his gun at Davy)
Davy: Oh, go ahead
Rich snobs always got first
Ronnie: Alright, Jeeves. Pull (shoots the clay pigeon over his shoulder by 
looking at a hand mirror) 
Show off
Ronnie: Hmmm. Give it a go, Jones old boy
Davy’s thought: Anything for a friend, I guess
(Davy struggles to hold the gun and accidentally shoots at the ground near Ronnie’s
servant Jeeves’ foot) 
Ronnie: Nice shot
I don’t think it was actually
(Davy looks shocked)
Davy’s thought: Sorry about that Jeeves
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 4- Monkees 2, Ronnie 2
 
SETTING: Another place in the Cartwright Mansion’s garden
(Ronnie has a bow and arrow. He draws the bow back and lands a bulls eye in the target)
Ronnie: And that gentleman was a humble example of perfect archery. Tork?
Very impressive. But, Ronnie, how good are you at hitting a place along the outer edge of the target? Now there’s 
a challenge
(Nesmith crosses his fingers and steps forward)
Nesmith’s thought: Anything for a friend, I guess
Ronnie: Tork, you look exactly like Nesmith
And Nesmith looks exactly like Tork
If you seen one Monkee then you’d seen them all
Nesmith: Hey look good buddy, I've killed me many'a mountain lions with 
this bow and arrow here
Ronnie: Ah, that’s very impressive. You’ll be wonderful I’m sure 
(hands Nesmith the bow)
Nesmith: You know they were little bitty (shows the length with his hands) varmints too
Ronnie: That’s staggering
(Nesmith puts the bow over one of his shoulders)
Ronnie: You’re supposed to shoot it not wear it
But they are so fashionable
(Nesmith gets the bow out of his shoulder and gets it out in front of him) 
Ronnie: Ah, Jeeves 
(Jeeves hands Ronnie an arrow then, in turn, hands Nesmith the arrow)
Nesmith: I don’t think I’ve ever used one of these kinds before
You mean a bow and arrow
Ronnie: (to Jeeves) Stand back, Jeeves, good servants are hard to find
They are?
Ronnie: (to Nesmith) Press on
Nesmith: (struggles with the bow and arrow) That’s it, huh, all right (pulls 
back the arrow within the bow then Nesmith loses his grip)
Ronnie: Ho, hum. What a pleasant afternoon 
Nesmith: (tries again but the bow collapses with Nesmith’s head within the 
stretched bow)
We’ll, it just takes practice to do archery real well
(Ronnie laughs)
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 5- Monkees 2, Ronnie 3
 
SETTING: Yet another place in the Cartwright Mansion’s garden
Ronnie: Now the point of badminton is to hit the bird back and forth as hard as 
you can. What do you say, Tork? Should I serve first?
Like I said, rich snobs always go first, even before ladies
Peter: Ah, uh...
Micky: (steps forward) I say badminton is my game, Farnsworth old bean
Just as skeet is Davy’s game and archery is Nesmith’s game
Micky’s thought: Anything for a friend, I guess
Ronnie: Very well, Dolenz. May the best man win
Micky: Pray tell
Pray tell?
(Ronnie and Micky play badminton, the bird ends up in Micky's mouth)
That’s no place for a badminton bird
Ronnie: Where's the bird, Dolenz? 
Didn’t you see that Micky swallow it, Ronnie
(Micky motions for the Nesmith, Davy and Peter to help him and spits out bird) 
Ronnie: Nice return, Dolenz
So who won the match- Micky or Ronnie?
Valerie: (angrily) Oh, Ronnie
Ronnie: Valerie?
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 6- Monkees 2, Ronnie 4
 
SETTING: Monkees Pad
Nesmith: Well, I guess we blew it. Man, those lawn games just aren't our bag
Their bag is music
Davy: Sorry Peter
Hey, they tried. 
Stay tuned for more of the exciting battle between “The Monkees Vs..Ronnie Farnsworth”
 
SETTING: Cartwright Mansion
Ronnie: I was just trying to show you what they were
Well it backfired on you didn’t it, Ronnie?
Valerie: Ronnie, I don't care what you were trying to show me, but by shaming those 
boys you humiliated me and yourself 
You tell him, Valerie 
(Valerie picks up the phone)
Ronnie: Why are you calling him?
How did she know the Monkees Pad’s phone number?
 
SETTING: Monkees Pad
Peter: (hangs up the phone) She wants me to talk her to the party 
Micky: Groovy man. You made it
Nesmith: That's wonderful
Peter: I can't make that scene. I don't know how to behave with a lady 
Micky: Man, he really doesn't know how
You’re just realizing this?
Nesmith: He could learn
Yeah, I guess he could
 
I’M A BELIEVER romp
(Cut to Jacques Café) With Valerie’s help, Micky shows Peter how to hang up a 
lady’s coat from the back of a chair onto a coat rack. Peter gets it wrong by 
hanging the chair onto the coat rack instead of the coat
Micky’s thought: No, Peter, No
It’s called a coat rack not a chair rack
(Cut to park) Peter and Valerie are lying in the grass
They are sitting by a tree with Peter stroking Valerie’s cheek
How sweet
(Cut to the street outside of Centerville Drugstore) Peter and Valerie are standing 
at a crosswalk in front of a large puddle. With Valerie’s help, Nesmith shows Peter 
how to put his coat over the water so a lady’s shoes won’t get wet. Peter gets it 
wrong by putting Valerie’s coat over the puddle instead of his coat
Nesmith’s thought: No, Peter, No
I hope the coat isn’t ruined
(Cut to park) Peter and Valerie are lying in the grass
They are sitting by a tree with Peter stroking Valerie’s cheek
(Cut to clips of Valerie from the episode)
She dances, smiles and listens
(Cut to a parking lot) With Valerie’s help, Davy shows Peter how to properly help a 
lady into a car. But Peter gets it wrong by closing the door on Valerie’s foot
Careful, Peter
Davy’s thought: No, Peter, No
(Cut to park) Valerie and Peter are twirling around the park
Don’t get too dizzy now
(Cut to Ronnie from behind a closed fence looking mad)
Ronnie’s thought: I’ll show them Monkees, that you can’t take steal my girl from me
(Cut to park) Valerie and Peter walk around the park
(Cut to Ronnie from behind a closed fence) 
Ronnie throws a frisbee over the fence to get their attention but stumbles
(Cut to Jacques Café) With Valerie’s help Davy shows Peter how to light a lady’s 
cigarette. When the wind keeps blowing out the match, Peter leaves the table and 
comes back with a blowtorch. Davy stops him from lighting the cigarette with it
Davy’s thought: No, Peter, No
Well, if all else fails, get a blowtorch
(Cut to park) Peter and Valerie kissing at sunset
What a nice camera shot
 
SETTING: The Monkees Pad
(Peter enters the Monkees Pad from the patio, runs into the string on a blind 
and stops it from moving back and forth. He sits down near Valerie’s portrait. 
Nesmith, Davy and Micky come over to him)
Nesmith: Come on, Peter. Cheer up. We’ll do something
Micky: Come on, Babe
Davy: Hey, Peter, didn't you ever have a crush on anybody?
Peter: Yeah, once
Davy: So, what did you do about it?
Peter: I took her to a Cub Scout meeting
You didn’t. Girls like the Cub Scouts?
Micky: Didn't anybody ever have a crush on you or anything?
What do you mean anything
Peter: I once got some threatening Valentines
Threatening Valentines that say things like: Roses are red, violets are blue. If you don’t stop seeing my girl I 
will hurt you a lot
Nesmith: You told me you used to play "spin the bottle"
Peter: Yeah, but I always lost
Then why did you play it so many times?
Nesmith: Well maybe we can fix that
Trying to think of ways to boost Peter’s spirits
(Cut to Nesmith, Micky, Davy and Peter sitting in a circle with a girl)
Nesmith: We appreciate you coming. We're just going to play "spin the
bottle". You know, the regular old party game where you spin the
bottle and whoever the bottle points to gets a kiss
Girl’s thought: This is going to be fun
Micky: Who gets the bottle?
No one
Nesmith: Hey. Okay (to girl), go ahead and spin it
(Girl spins the bottle)
Round and round it goes. Where it stops only Davy knows
(The bottle stops at Davy)
Davy: Oh well. What do you know? (kisses girl)
Peter: It always points to Davy
Nesmith: It does not either. Go ahead (to girl). Spin it again
(Girl spins bottle again)
Round and round it goes. Where it stops only Davy knows
(The bottle starts to point to Davy and Peter struggles to prevent it from pointing 
to Davy but to no avail)
Micky: Fight it, Big Peter 
(Bottle finally stops at Davy)
Peter: See what I mean?
Ok. Ok. You’re right. It’s always Davy
Davy: I won again (kisses girl again)
How come Davy always gets the girl
Nesmith: (to girl) Spin it one more time, and let ... oh, wait a minute. Davy, ah, 
you leave the room
Good thinking Nesmith
(Davy winks and goes to the door. He turns toward the others) 
Nesmith: Out 
(Davy opens the door and goes just outside the door) 
Nesmith: Out, all the way out. (to girl) Okay, go ahead, spin
Round and round it goes. Where it stops only Davy knows
(Girl nudges bottle and it flies over to Davy)
Peter: It always happens this way
Micky: This boy is very depressed. He needs help
I think he needs to just build up his self-confidence
(Cut to Micky sitting in a chair next to Peter lying on the chaise couch)
Micky: (as Freud) Now tell me your problems, my boy
Peter’s thought: Are sure. My story is too sad to be told
Peter: Well, when I was very young, I used to be embarrassed about kissing, 
but know I can talk very openly about (looks around nervously) S-E-X
Freud: Oh, ja, ja, ja. Your problem is kaput. I know, I know the problem. 
Mother fixation. You're too close to your mother
Freud, haven’t you ever heard that a boy’s best friend is his mother
Freud: Now don't you feel better? 
I don’t think he does 
(Phone rings)
Freud: (answers phone) Ja. Ja. Yes, Mother, I will
(Freud hangs up the phone)
Freud: (to Peter) It was my Mother. She tells me to put on my galoshes all the time 
and the whole day it's not even raining and she wants me to put on my galoshes.
(struggling to put on galoshes) You know, when I was a little boy my mother used to 
wrap my lunch in the road map
A road map to go where
Micky: (peeling off fake beard) Man, I still think Freud could help
Peter: Well, then let Freud take her to the party, I can't go through with it
Nesmith: Oh, sure you can. Besides, we'll be right up there on the bandstand giving 
you moral support
Peter: Promise?
 
SETTING: Cartwright Mansion
(Peter attempts to take two wine glasses from a tray and Valerie helps him by taking 
one for herself and then hands Peter one)
Micky: (quietly walks up to Peter) Remember, talk music, books and politics
I guess that they must be the three most important things a girl loves to talk about
Peter: (walks over to rejoin Valerie) I read an interesting music about books and 
politics the other day. It was very interesting
Valerie’s thought: Huh?
(Cut to Nesmith, Micky and Davy at the bandstand)
Micky: Oh man, he's gonna blow it
Peter: (to Valerie) I was re-reading Hamlet the other day. It's about this Danish 
prince
I didn’t know Peter had read Hamlet
(Cut to Nesmith, Micky and Davy at the bandstand)
Davy: Hey, we'd better do something before he starts to cry. Come on
You’re right. Peter can be very emotional at times
Peter: (to Valerie) And then the queen drinks the poison and then she dies
Uh, I don’t think that was the best book to discuss when trying to make conversation with a girl
(Valerie finishes her drink)
Valerie: Peter, would you mind refilling this for me?
Peter: Yes. No
Which one is it?
(Peter takes the glass and goes to get a refill for Valerie)
Micky: (as a stockbroker) Mr. Tork. Mr. Tork. I'm looking for Mr. Tork. Is he ... 
oh, excuse me (bumping into someone). Mr. Tork. I'm looking for a Mr. Peter Tork. 
(approaching Valerie) Oh yes. Oh. Hello. I'm looking for Peter Tork. I'm his 
stockbroker. I have to tell him to sell short, before short changes his mind
You don’t want to be short changed
Valerie: I thought he was just a musician. Is he very wealthy?
No, he’s not wealthy because he gets short changed by his stockbroker all the time
Micky: Wealthy? Oh, he smokes ten cigars a day, and lights them with $100 bills
Valerie: That's an expensive habit
Not to mention unhealthy
Micky: Well, not really, he gets the cigars wholesale
(Peter comes back)
Peter: Here's your drink, Miss Cartwright
Why don’t you call her Valerie, Peter
(Peter hands Valerie her glass)
Valerie: Peter, your stockbroker's here
Peter: My what?
Micky: Good evening, Mr. Tork. Have a cigar
(Micky pops a cigar into Peter's mouth)
Peter: Ah, I don't smoke
Play along Peter, Micky told Valerie that you do
Micky: The count told him to Cut down
What count- Count Dracula?
Valerie: Ah
Micky: Go ahead, Mr. Tork, light up. If you don't have any $100 bills, here 
(Micky shows him a check), I have a blank check
Stockbrokers always come prepared
Valerie: Peter, you didn't tell me you were in the market
He didn’t even know that he was in the market himself
Micky: Market. You've heard of the New York Stock Exchange?
Hasn’t everyone?
Valerie: Why, yes
Micky: Well, he owns the New Tork Stock Exchange
He does?
Davy: (as a tailor) Oh, hello. Have you seen Mr. Tork? No you haven't? 
Thank you very much, excuse me. Yes. Oh. Hello, I'm Mr. Tork's private
English tailor
Everyone needs their own private English tailor
Valerie: Oh really?
Davy: Yes, isn't that nice? Yes. Excuse me. (turns to Peter) Now, Mr. Tork, 
I've told you before if you want that jacket by Thursday you're gonna have a 
fitting right now. Can you hold me cloth, please?
Micky: Oh, of course, hold your cloth
(Davy hands Micky his cloth and then takes gets the measuring tape from his shoulders)
Davy: Let me see. Shoulders (presses the measuring tape in front of Peter’s chest) 
shoulders 38
Micky: Shoulders 38
Is that good?
Davy: (Micky) Could you hold that, please? 
(Micky grabs one end of the measuring tape)
Davy: Thank you. Waist 18 
I never realized that Peter has an extremely small waist size
(Davy holds the other end of the measuring tape out from Davy’s chest)
Micky: Waist 18
Davy: Yes, head, (holds measuring tape to Peter’s shoulders) neck 28 Could I have 
my cloth, please?
Micky: The cloth, sure. Right away
(Micky hands Davy back his cloth)
Davy: Thank you very much. Here we go (unravels the cloth and put Peter’s head 
through a large hole in the center)
(Micky and Davy begin talking to each other)
Davy: Okay, now we need to cut. Don't worry we're gonna make a line down here, 
line here (begins to make alteration marks on the cloth)
Davy: There, good
Valerie: (laughing) Peter, you're a surprise a minute. Next thing I expect to 
see is the captain of your yacht
Nesmith: (as a yacht captain) Uh, Mr. Tork, would you like for me to bring the yacht 
around? I'm the captain of his yacht, there
Yacht captain, wouldn’t you, they were just talking about you
Peter: No, I came by bus
Micky: Oh, he came by bus. That's very funny. He is quite humorous
Yes he is
Nesmith: Will you be sleeping the customary twenty people tonight?
Peter: No, not tonight
Nesmith: No? Look at the map, here, I show you
Show him what?
Davy and Micky: Look at the map
(Nesmith pulls out a map then and Nesmith, Micky, Davy and Peter all begin talking 
at the same time)
(Ronnie spots Valerie)
Ronnie: (bumps into a party goer) Oh, excuse me. (approaches Valerie and pulls his 
cape over his mouth) HA!
Valerie: Ronnie. What are you doing here?
Ronnie: Oh. I'm here to expose some Monkees, who are making a monkey out of you
I think that they are making “a Monkee” out of you, Ronnie, not Valerie
Micky: Oh, I better get back to the stock market
Nesmith: Yeah, I left the yacht running
Davy: And I've got some alterations to make
(Ronnie stretches out his arms in order to stop them from leaving)
Ronnie: Frauds. Every one of them. Yachtsman, brokers, tailors. HA! They are just 
fifth rate musicians
Micky: Third rate musicians
Well, is it third rate or fifth rate?
Ronnie: You are being paid to play. Play. (to Peter) It's true, isn't it, Tork? 
Frauds, fraudulent frauds
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 7- Monkees 3, Ronnie 4
Okay. I get it. They’re frauds. You don’t have to keep repeating it
Singing a variation of the novelty song YOU’RE A MEAN ONE MR. GRINCH (from “How The Grinch Stole Christmas”)
“You’re a mean one, Ronnie Farnsworth
Your attitude is an appalling heap of trash overflowing
with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable
snobbish feelings that’s mangled up in tangled up knots
You’re a mean one, Ronnie Farnsworth”
Peter: It's true, it's true. (to Valerie) They're just my friends. But they knew 
how much you meant to me and they wanted to make me out something special
Singing a line from the Pretenders’ song BRASS IN POCKET
“I’m special so special. You’re going to have some attention from me”
Valerie: But you are something special, Peter
Peter: Me? (surprised)
Yes, you
Valerie: You didn't have to do all of this. I think you're a fine enough person just 
being yourself 
Now you tell her
(Peter smiles)
I adore that smile he gives to the camera
Singing a line from the Monkees song VALLERI
“There’s a girl I know who makes me feel so good and I can’t live without her even if I tried
I love her Valleri
I love her Valleri”
(Cut to Ronnie who is nervously chewing on a piece of his cape)
I thought only little kids like to chew on cloth
(Cut to the bandstand)
Nesmith: (into the microphone) Hello everybody. We're the Monkees and for the first 
song we'd like to do tonight is "You May Just Be The One"
Isn’t the title actually “You Just May Be The One”?
Singing a variation of the Styx song ROCKIN’ THE PARADISE
“Rockin’ the Cartwright House
Rockin’ the Cartwright House
Rockin’ the Cartwright House tonight
TONIGHT”
Peter: (to Valerie) First dance is mine
Nesmith, Peter, Micky and Davy begin playing YOU JUST MAY BE THE ONE 
Ronnie: No, no, no, no, no. Valerie, this, uh, dance is mine
Peter: Valerie, you decide
(Ronnie and Peter grip hands like they are going to arm wrestle with Valerie standing 
between them)
 
YOU JUST MAY BE THE ONE romp
(Cut to park) Ronnie and Peter arm wrestle and Peter wins by gripping Ronnie 
down to the ground
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 8- Monkees 4, Ronnie 4
(Cut to sidewalk) Ronnie and Peter play hopscotch. Ronnie trips and Peter jumps 
into the right space to win
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 9- Monkees 5, Ronnie 4
(Cut to the Nesmith, Micky, Davy and Peter playing the song YOU JUST MAY BE THE ONE 
in the red 8-button shirts)
(Cut to sidewalk) With Nesmith looking on, Peter lifts several weight barbells easily 
while Ronnie can’t lift the barbells very easily
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 10- Monkees 6, Ronnie 4
(Cut to the Nesmith, Micky, Davy and Peter playing the song YOU JUST MAY BE THE ONE in 
the red 8-button shirts)
(Cut to park) With Davy looking on, Ronnie and Peter do a toy pistol duel. They walk 
back to back from each other then turn and point the pistol at the other person. Peter 
shoots and his flag says “Bang!” while Ronnie shoots and his flag says “OWWW!”
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 11- Monkees 7, Ronnie 4
(Cut to Cartwright Mansion) Peter and Valerie are dancing at the party 
(Cut to the Nesmith, Micky, Davy and Peter playing the song YOU JUST MAY BE THE ONE 
in the red 8-button shirts)
(Cut to Cartwright Mansion) Ronnie at the party is nervously chewing his cape
Ronnie, don’t do that. It looks childish
(Cut to sidewalk) Peter jumps down some stairs while Ronnie stumbles when he tries 
to jump down the stairs. Peter helps Ronnie gain his balance
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 12- Monkees 8, Ronnie 4
(Cut to the Nesmith, Micky, Davy and Peter playing the song YOU JUST MAY BE THE ONE 
in the red 8-button shirts)
(Cut to Cartwright Mansion) Peter and Valerie are dancing at party
(Cut to park) With Micky looking on, Ronnie and Peter begin boxing. Peter knocks 
Ronnie on the head and Ronnie collapses 
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 13- Monkees 9, Ronnie 4
(Cut to another part of the park) Ronnie and Peter begin fencing and Peter wins
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 14- Monkees 10, Ronnie 4
(Cut to the Nesmith, Micky, Davy and Peter playing the song YOU JUST MAY BE THE ONE 
in the red 8-button shirts)
(Cut to park) Ronnie and Peter are playing marbles. Peter is able to keep his marbles 
inside the designated circle while Ronnie gets several of his marbles outside the 
designated area
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 15- Monkees 11, Ronnie 4
(Cut to sidewalk) Ronnie and Peter arm wrestle with Valerie standing between them. 
Peter wins by gripping Ronnie down to the ground.
Valerie looks very impressed with Peter’s strength
The Monkees Vs. Ronnie round 16- Monkees 12, Ronnie 4
I guess arm wrestling, hopscotch, jumping down stairs, weightlifting, toy gun dueling, boxing, fencing and marbles 
are not Ronnie’s bag
The winners of “The Monkees Vs. Ronnie Farnsworth” and still champions are, of course, the Monkees
 
Setting: Monkees Pad
Nesmith: (to camera) Would you believe that the Peter we all know and love has 
now turned into a wolf in sheep's clothing?
He has? I’d love to see that
What Nesmith means is that Peter has gone dramatically from shyness to self-confidence around girls
(Cut to Micky sitting next to the stuffed monkey)
Micky: (to camera) Which just goes to prove, you can make a silk purse out of a 
sow's ear. If you have enough good silk
What Micky means is that Peter has overcome some of his shyness around girls despite the way we saw him 
at the beginning of the episode 
Davy: (to camera) (laying down with a IV coming out of his arm like he is giving blood) 
Which proves more than ever, it's not how you play the game, it's whether you win or 
lose
What Davy means is that if you keep trying someday you will win
(Cut to Peter and four girls playing “spin the bottle”. Peter wins and gets a kiss 
on the cheek from each girl at the same time)
How sweet
I myself am deeply jealous
 
MONKEES THEME AND END CREDITS
 
Some thoughts after seeing this episode:
How did Valerie hear about the Monkees?
If Valerie and Peter both liked each other, why didn’t they continue to date?
If the Cyrano De Bergerac method of mouthing the words someone else is saying didn't work for Cyrano, why 
did Micky suggest it for Peter?
How can the bottle follow Davy out the door?
Why does Micky want to know who get the bottle they use for the spin the bottle game?
Why doesn't the girl participating in the spin the bottle game say anything?
Are the guys 3rd rate or 5th rate musicians?
How did Ronnie get a picture of the Monkees?
Why is Ronnie wearing a black cape at the party?
Why did garcon Davy hand the mallet he used to push in the cork of the wine bottle further to a lady in a table next
to Ronnie and Valerie?
Why didn’t Valerie and Ronnie find out what music the guys will be playing at the party?
Why didn't Peter say goodbye to Valerie on the phone after she called him for a date?
Why did Peter come to the party by bus when the guys have the Monkeemobile? 
 
 

Note: Thanks to the Monkee Television for the script
Back to the Mystery Monkees Theater 2003 page