Monsterous Monkee Mash
Written by Neil Burston and David Parich
Episode #50
Original Airdate: January 22, 1968
 

 
 
(Picture of a scary looking castle with a bolt of lighting seen 
and thunder heard)
Stock footage- like the lizard sunning itself 
on a rock from the "Hey Hey It's The Monkees" ABC special
 
SETTING: Library
Lorelei opens the door and Davy and Lorelei walk into the room
Davy: Gee, Lorelei, when you said you lived by the water, 
I didn't think you meant the swamp. Ha, ha. 
Swampy areas must offer good real estate rates  
(a suit of armor nearly cuts Davy with an ax) 
Careful of that ax behind you, Davy
Davy: Oh. 
(to the suit of armor) 
Davy: Would you hold that for me please, uh, thank you.
I guess the invisible man is inside the suit of armor  
(looking at a fake painting of a vampire) 
Davy: Oh, what a very interesting painting this is.
(the vampire moves) 
A painting that moves is very interesting indeed!
Davy: Oh! Who's that?
Lorelei: That is my uncle.
Davy: How long had he been dead when he posed for that portrait? 
(the Uncle sticks his tongue out at Davy)
That must be Davy's "little joke- about this big" joke for this episode
(sees a bat on the table) 
Davy: Oh! What's that? 
(pulls on its string) 
Monkees are curious peoples
Bat: I want to drink your blood.
Davy: He he, this certainly is a conversation piece, isn't it? He he. 
Yeah, if you're not afraid of bats
Lorelei: Davy Jones, there is something I want to give you. 
Oh, I don't know what could it be…
Davy: Uh, can't you wrap it up for me and, uh, give it to me 
at Christmas time? 
Why wait for the holidays to open gifts, Davy?
Lorelei: Davy Jones, you are not really afraid of me, are you?
Davy: No, it's just that somebody's doing a pretty good job 
of faking it. 
Liar
Davy: Listen, uh, any time you want to go romping 
in the sun, fun and jumping, give me a call. 
Hey, I'm available Davy and I don't live in a creepy 
castle either. I love to romp, jump and have fun but not necessarily in that 
order though
Lorelei: Wait, one kiss. 
(Davy mouths the words "one kiss") 
Only one?
Lorelei: So we will have a remembrance of each other.
Davy: Oh, I'm sure I'll remember you, Lorelei, without a kiss.
(Lorelei kisses Davy)
Davy: What a kiss, I've never felt this way before.
Singing a line from the Classics IV song SPOOKY 
"Love is kind of crazy with a spooky little girl like you"
Lorelei: You fool, it is not my kiss, but the magic necklace.
Davy: What a necklace, I've never felt this way before.
Lorelei has got some powerful necklace
Uncle in portrait: Silence!
(Uncle steps out of picture frame) 
Uncle: (to the suit of armor) Excuse me. 
Make way for a vampire
Uncle: (looking at Davy) 
Yes, yes, he's a little short but other than that a 
perfect specimen. 
Davy's not short- stand up and show the Uncle 
how tall your are, Davy…oh, you are standing up
Uncle: He will become Dracula reborn.
Lorelei: Count Dracula reborn.
One more time: "Count Dracula reborn!"
Uncle: (Evil laugh)
 
MONKEES THEME and INTRODUCTION
 
SETTING: Monkees Pad
(Peter is walking around the pad and his feet are making 
creaking noises which wakes up Micky sleeping in the chaise)
Micky: Who's that?
An owl- Who Who
Peter: Who's that?
Peter looks so cute in those footie PJ's with the bunny on the front of it, doesn't he
Micky: Don't do that.
Just how many times do we hear this phrase in Monkees episodes? [11 times- ed.]
Nez: Who's that?
It's the Boogeyman!
Micky and Peter: *scream* Who's that?
Nez: Would you guys please quit scaring each other 
and turn on the light
(Nez turns on a lamp) 
All: *scream*
Why are you guys frightened when the light is turned on- are you guys scared of each other?
Peter: Hey listen, Davy should have been back by now. I'm scared. 
Peter, you are always scared of something
Nez: Oh, don't worry I got a telephone number where we can 
reach him. I'll call him. 
Nez has an undiscovered talent for knowing every phone number in the phone 
book and dialing phone numbers without looking at the numbers printed on the phone
(on phone Uncle gives an *evil laugh*)
I guess that is the way the Uncle says "hello" when he answers the phone
Nez: I think Davy's in trouble. We better go help him.
Micky: Right.
(Micky and Peter turn away from Nez and hide under Micky's sheets) 
Peter and Micky- our fearful Monkee cowards 
to the rescue
Nez: And once again courageous 
American youth leaps in to the fore or five. 
You tell 'em, Nez
 
SETTING: Dungeon
Uncle: Here drink this.
Davy: What is it?
Uncle: This is only tomato juice... 
Hey, Uncle, can you make me a bloody Mary as long as you have the tomato juice out?
Davy: Don't you mean tomato [pronounced To-Mah-toe] juice?
Singing a line from the George Gershwin song 
LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF 
"You say To-MAY-Toh, I say To-MAH-Toe 
You say Poh-TAY-Toh, I say Pah-TAH-Toe"
Uncle: Drink it! 
Don't drink it, Davy, it could be blood
Uncle: To get you used to the color. 
But in a matter of a few days you will be drinking BLOOD.
(Davy takes the glass and drinks a little of it)
Davy: Blood? Blah.
Uncle: Blah? 
Davy: Blah.
Uncle: Blah.
Davy: (to camera) I think we've got a hit. 
It will never sell
Uncle: You now have a genuine Dracula cape. 
So fly, young Dracula, fly!
(Davy rises up and begins flying around the room) 
Too bad the wires holding Davy up are so clearly seen
Davy: Ah, woh, I'm flying! Ah, ah, wo, wo. 
(Davy hits wall) 
Davy: Before I take off next time, could you check the 
tower for ground clearance, please. 
Are you sure you want to try it again, Davy?
 
SETTING: The front door of castle
The beginning of a horror story: "It was a dark and stormy night when three 
strangers came upon a creepy looking castle seeking shelter from the storm"
Micky: Don't worry, Pete. If Davy's in that castle, 
we'll find him.
Peter: Good.
(Peter pulls rope)
Uncle: Won't you come in? 
Don't go inside- you'll be sorry
Micky: On second thought, no.
Nez: Now wait a minute, we're friends of Davy Jones. 
Isn't everyone?
Lorelei: Won't you come in? 
Guys always have just one thing on their minds
Micky: On third thought, yes. 
Do I hear a fourth thought?
All: *evil laugh*
 
SETTING: Dungeon
Wolfman: *growl*
Davy: Hey. How come they keep you down here 
in the basement when they're allowed to walk around upstairs?
Wolfman: *growl* 
The Wolfman's thought: "I don't know"
Davy: I don't want to be catty, but they're treating you like a dog. 
Wolf! Wolf!
Wolfman: *growl* 
The Wolfman's thought: "You're right"
 
SETTING: Library
Uncle: Come in, gentlemen, come in. I bid you welcome. 
As opposed to bidding them goodbye
Peter: Gee, what a nice place you have here. 
Peter, you better look around some more 
before you say that
Uncle: And now if you will excuse us, we have some work to do. 
Work? What work. Oh, turning Davy into Count Dracula reborn. 
I almost forgot
Nez: Uh, wait ... where's Davy?
Lorelei: He drove into town, he should be back soon. 
Don't believe her, guys
Nez: Wonderful. 
(Lorelei and the Uncle exit)
 Nez: What would Davy be doing out on a night like this? 
He had a date, remember?
(spots Davy's umbrella by the suit of armor) 
Micky: Yeah, without his umbrella. 
What happened to your umbrella, Micky?
(the suit of armor nearly cuts Micky with an ax) 
Careful of the ax behind you, Micky 
Peter: You know, I don't know what you guys are upset about.Here 
we are in the home of some perfectly awfully sweet people, an 
ordinary man and his niece, who just happen to keep bats 
in the living room. 
Why do you think Dracula and his niece are awfully sweet people, Peter, especially 
when they live in a creepy castle and are holding Davy
Nez: B-b-b-bat? 
(Nez drops the book he is reading)
Great fright reaction, Nez
Peter: Uh, lats in the bibing, etc. 
(Peter messes up) 
Prter: Ugh, this is disgusting.
Peter is pretty good at doing tongue twisters
Micky: Ah!
Director: (off camera) Alright good. 
That's director Jim Frawley
Micky: Would you like it a little bit bigger? That was 
my medium scare. 
Lets hear your large and small scare while you're at it, Micky
Director: Oh. Do another one. 
Yeah, it's cute
Micky: Would you like a louder one? 
No, I'll take 2 small ones instead
Director: A smaller.
Micky: A smaller one? Ah! 
Peter: I think I'll have a look around. 
(spins around in a circle)
Don't go looking too far, you might find something
(Uncle and Lorelei appear in picture frame)
Peter: Hmm, instant portrait. Not bad. 
But not good either
(reading the cover of a book) 
Nez: "A Study into the Nature of the Vampire" by Count 
Silvanius Blahculca.
(picture of Count Silvanius Blahcula seen) 
What an ugly looking fella
(looking at picture)
Peter: I've seen that face before.
Uncle: I've seen that face before. What a dum-dum.
Peter: I know I've seen that face before, I know I've seen that face 
before. I have faced that scene before. Oh. Faced that ...Ha, ha ,ha. 
Peter amuses himself at times
Uncle: I think this boy's mind would be perfect for the monster. 
Is Peter's body also perfect for the monster?
Lorelei: But why, Uncle, why?
That's for the Uncle to know and Lorelei to find out
Uncle: Because he hasn't a brain in his head.
That's not at all nice to say
Nez: This is a book here that tells you how to be a vampire.
Micky: Me to be a vampire? I don't wanna be a vampire. 
Why does it gonna tell me to be vampire, Mike? Mike why?
Boy, Micky sure spases out real easily
Nez: It's not you. It's everybody. 
Micky: Oh.
(Peter pulls a string attached to a bat sitting on a table)
Bat: I want to drink your blood.
Peter: That's not at all nice to say. 
What is nice to say- I want to sip your blood?
Bat: I want to sip your blood.
Peter: Much better. 
(places his finger in the bat's mouth) 
You'll let the bat sip but not drink your blood, Peter. What's the difference?
Nez: Hey.
Peter: Huh?
Nez: Hey.
Peter: Oh.
Micky: Ohh.
(pointing at portrait) 
Nez: That's him.
Peter: Hm.
Nez: In the picture, right there. That's him.
Peter: I thought I saw that man at the front gate.
Nez: Yes.
Micky: I told Davy a thousand times, man. 
Stop hanging around with vampires. 
I didn't know that Davy hangs out with vampires
Singing a variation of the song SHE HANGS OUT
Well he hangs out
Every night 
Every day
You best go find him before he gets his handsome looking self into trouble
Nez: I knew it.
All: Vampires?
Peter: What a time to be caught without a turtleneck. 
I've got some if you need one, Peter
Micky: *whimpers* 
Come on, Micky, don't cry
Nez: Shh.
Peter: What?
Nez: Shhh.
Micky: What are you whispering for? 
Nez: I don't want anybody to hear our plans. 
Vampires have excellent hearing, you know
Micky: All right.
Lorelei: (licks quill pen and winces)
Uncle: Cut yourself? Hopefully. 
No such luck, Uncle
Nez: Now look, if the uncle comes back in ...
Peter: Right.
Nez: Pretend everything is GR-ROOVY. 
Yeah GR-ROOVY baby
Peter: Right
Micky: Yeah, babies.
Peter: Right.
Nez: Peter, you search the house. 
Nez, you want Peter to search the whole castle by himself? 
Peter: No.
Nez: What do you mean, no?
Peter: I might find something and I'd rather stay here 
where it's safe, with you Michael. 
It's always safe to be by our fearless leader Nez
Uncle: Good boy, good boy.
Nez: I gotta hand you one thing, Pete. 
You have a great respect for fear. 
One must respect fear in order for it to scare someone to death
Peter: You're right. It scares me to death. 
Nez: What?
Peter: Fear does.
Nez: *sighs*
Don't confuse yourself by trying to figure out how fear scares Peter to death, Nez
Uncle: Go get the magic necklace. The star of Transylvania
shall rise again!
(Lorelei leaves) 
She's gone!
Uncle: Better composition.
Well, that all depends on how you look at the portrait
Nez: Come on, Mick. 
(speaks through Peter's ear) 
Nez: Come on, Mick. Let's go. 
Micky: Uh-huh. Uh-huh, Uh-huh. 
Ok, little doggy, just don't lick Nez's hand
 
SETTING: Dungeon
Davy: After all, what has Dracula ever done for you? 
Davy, if it weren't for Dracula, the Wolfman would not have a career
Davy: All those pictures you've made together. 
Now, for extra points, can you name some of the titles?
Davy: "Dracula Leaves", "Dracula Returns". 
You know, you've made over 30 movies with him 
and you haven't even got second billing. 
I've never heard of movies called 
"Dracula Leaves" or "Dracula Returns"- you're making them up
Wolfman: *affirmative growl* 
The Wolfman's thought: "Yeah! Yeah!"
Davy: What you need is a good agent. 
These people are exploiting you! 
The Wolfman's thought: "You're right"
(Lorelei enters, Wolfman confronts her) 
Sic her, Wolfman
Lorelei: What do you want, Wolfman? What do you want? 
The Wolfman's thought: "Tell her Davy"
Davy: He wants a better percentage of the profits. He wants 
cookouts on the weekends and he wants to play his own music.
The Wolfman plays his own music? 
That's hard to believe
Lorelei: It's a deal. 
(Lorelei offers her hand for the Wolfman to shake after 
a deal had been made)
Davy: Oh. 
Good job, Davy- maybe you can become an 
agent if this singing and acting gig doesn't work out
 
SETTING: Library
Lorelei: Hello Peter. 
Lorelei, it's not nice to sneak up on people in 
creepy castles
Peter: Unh. Uh, (thinks) bye Lorelei. 
Lorelei: Where are you going? Don't you like me? 
Yeah everybody likes Lorelei especially an easily 
tricked Monkee
Peter: Oh, I like you fine. It's just that I've 
finished reading all these books.
Lorelei: My goodness, all 600 volumes? 
There will be a test on them before you leave
Peter: Well, I took a speed-reading course. 
So now if you'll excuse me …
Lorelei: I just love an educated man. 
Doesn't every woman? 
Peter: Hey, aren't you Davy's girl?
Lorelei: No, no.
Peter: Oh? Well ... 
What a guy- he won't kiss Davy's girlfriend 
(they kiss, Lorelei places necklace around Peter's neck)
Peter: What a kiss. I've never felt this way before.
Lorelei: You fool, it was not my kiss but the 
magic necklace!
Is this magic necklace 
anything like the magic locket in the "Fairy Tale" episode?
Peter: What a necklace. I've never felt this way before.
Singing a line from the Classics IV song SPOOKY 
"Love is kind of crazy with a spooky little girl like you"
(the Uncle enters, Wolfman behind him)
Uncle: Uhhh! Don't do that. You know I've got low 
blood pressure. 
Low blood pressure? 
(Wolfman picks up Peter) 
Uncle: Put him down, Wolfman. This subject must be used 
for the ultimate monster. 
Peter the ultimate monster?
Wolfman: *growl* 
The Wolfman's thought: "He's mine"
Uncle: This one is a dum-dum and we can control 
every thought that goes into his head.
Wolfman: *growl* 
The Wolfman's thought: "Just like me"
Uncle: Put him down anyway.
Wolfman: *growl* 
The Wolfman's thought: "No"
Uncle: Don't make me use my magical power on you 
(pulls out a link of hot dogs from his coat pocket) 
Fetch
Doesn't every Wolfman love hot dogs? 
I didn't know that hot dogs have magical powers- 
there are some "interesting" ingredients in hot dogs but I've never heard 
of hot dogs containing magical powers
Wolfman: I love hot dogs
Uncle: Quickly now to the laboratory. He will 
stay under my power until the proper time. 
When's that?
Uncle: (to Lorelei) Go. (to Peter) You too. 
Don't you hate it when someone keeps ordering 
everyone around?
Uncle: *evil laugh*
 
SETTING: Hallway
(Mike and Micky walk down hall and scare each other) 
Nez and Micky:(scream) Phew!
(seeing the mummy case opening) 
Micky: The door, the door, the door. 
Behind door # 3 is…
(the door opens and Mummy staggers out)
Micky: Blecch. Ew. Are you dirty! 
I guess you guys are not afraid of Mummies
Nez: Wow. What a …
Micky: Where did you get that suit? 
From the last Mummy that was in here
Nez: What a m-m-mess.
Micky: Blecch.
Nez: Out! 
There Nez goes again- ordering everyone around
Micky: Ugh, you sure stink.
(Mummy leaves)
Well you would too if you 
had been in a Mummy case that's been sealed for thousands of years
Micky: I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. Let's 
get out of here.
Nez: We can't leave now, man, we haven't found Davy.
What's the big deal about Davy anyway? 
He's always girl crazy, gets the guys into problematic situations, 
always cleaning his nails, can only play the maraccas & the tambourine and 
has an inflated ego
Micky: We could form a trio. 
Micky, Peter and Davy did
Nez: Nah, come on, let's go look in the library. 
Yeah, I wanna read more about Count Silvanius Blahculca
Micky: Okay. 
Nez: You and me.
 
SETTING: Library
(Nez and Micky open the doors and they reenter the library)
Nez: Peter?
Nez and Micky: (to camera) He's gone! 
Singing a variation of a line from the song 
OH WHERE OH WHERE HAS MY LITTLE DOG GONE 
"Oh where oh where has my little Peter gone? 
Oh where oh where could he be?" 
Micky: Maybe we could make a duet. 
You did, Micky, with Davy
Nez: No.
Micky: If you get lost I'll be a single. 
A single loss?
Nez: Bl-bl-drum. 
Micky: Here I come. 
Nez: Micky
Micky: Walkin' down the street. 
Nez: Micky 
Micky: I get the funniest looks from all the people I meet. 
That's because of your curly Afro hairstyle and you wear a tablecloth
Nez: Micky 
Micky. Hey, hey, I'm a Monkee. 
I think that's probably going to be put on his tombstone  
Nez: Micky
Nez: Okay look, anything happens we'll meet back at the library. 
Yeah, baby
Micky: I've got an idea, let's go back to the Pad right now. 
Scaredly cat
 
SETTING: Hallway
Nez: Now Micky, come on. Hey Mick? Do you hear footsteps? 
(Micky is holding Nez's hand like a little kid and looking down) 
No, but if you want Micky to hear footsteps he will
Micky: No, but let's get out of here, man. 
This isn't my kind of house. 
What is your kind of house, Micky? 
Nez: Now wait a minute. Ooh! A secret door.
Micky: A secret door. 
Well, every creepy castle has to have one, right?
Nez: Yeah, come on, follow me.
Singing a line from the Uncle Kracker song FOLLOW ME 
"You don't know how you met me, you don't know why you can't turn around and say goodbye…
Follow me, everything is alright…and if you want to leave I can guarantee you won't nobody 
else like me" 
Micky: No, I don't wanna go ... 
Micky, where's your spirit of adventure? 
(Mike goes through the secret door)
Micky: Mike! Don't go in the secret door, it's...
You might find something
Micky: huh, huh …(to Wolfman) shouldn't go in a secret door 
like that in this weird house. No telling what you'd run into 
in this place. 
Good thinking, Micky
You ought to get a haircut, they won't let you into Disneyland. AHHHHH! 
Micky, why would the Wolfman want to go to Disneyland?
(Micky runs away from the Wolfman)
Wolfman: growl
Wolfman's thought: "Another victim"
(Wolfman runs after Micky)
 
SETTING: Library
(Micky runs into library, pushes some furniture in front of door)
(Lorelei appears)
Just in time to save Micky from the big bad Wolfman
Micky: Ah! Lorelei, I'm so glad I found you, there's monsters 
out there.
Lorelei: Monsters? What are we going to do?
Let's have a party
Micky: Don't worry, my middle name is "Danger". 
I thought it was Michael
Wolfman: (from outside the room) *growl* 
Wolfman's thought: "Let me in, Let me in"
Micky: *screams* Of course, my last name is "Chicken". 
I thought it was Dolenz
Lorelei: I'll protect you.
(places necklace on Micky, kisses him)
Micky: What a kiss. I've never felt this way before.
Lorelei: You fool. It is not my kiss, but the magic necklace.
Micky: What a necklace. I've never felt this way...
Singing a line from the Classics IV song SPOOKY 
"Love is kind of crazy with a spooky little girl like you"
Lorelei: Oh, shut up. 
Getting tired of kissing the guys?
 I'll take over for you Lorelei
Wolfman, this one is yours.
Wolfman's thought: "Thanks, Lorelei"
Wolfman: (opens the library door and moves some of the furniture 
out of his way 
and stands next to Micky eating a banana) growl
Wolfman's thought: "Oh, goodie a human. 
All the Uncle gives me to eat are lousy bananas and hot dogs"
 
SETTING: Underground Crypt
Nez: Oooh wow. It's scary down here. Boy, I'm glad you're 
with me Mick. I sure would be scared if I was all alone.
Look around, you are
Nez: Mick? Mick? (turns to look into camera) Oh boy.
Don't worry, Nez, Micky, Davy and Peter are 
probably playing a game of hide & seek and you're "it"
Nez: (shouting) Micky! 
Echo: Micky, Micky.
Nez: Davy!
Echo: Davy, Davy.
Nez: Pe-Peter! 
One more time: "Micky (echo), Davy (echo), Pe-Peter!"
Davy: Mike! 
Echo: Mike, Mike
Nez: (opens mummy case) Ew. *cough* I'm sorry, 
I didn't know this was occupied. 
What did you think would be in a mummy case?
(Mike runs away to the Library)
 
SETTING: Library
(Nez runs in, hides in picture frame)
(Uncle and Lorelei enter)
Uncle: The monster will live tonight. 
Why don't you wait until tomorrow night instead?
Uncle: Now listen carefully, this is what we must do.
(Nez has a notepad and quill pen in his hand)
Hum, instant notepad and quill pen, not bad
Uncle: When the moon is full 
I don't think vampires know of any other type of moon
Uncle: we shall take the one called Peter to the 
underground crypt. There, we will also take the 
monster. Then we shall transfer the brain of the one 
into the body of the other. And you know what we shall have? 
No, I give up, what?
Lorelei: Peter with the monster's brain.
(Nez writes down Lorelei's answer on the notepad)
Uncle: No, you fool, the other way around. 
No, a fool is someone who gets kissed by Lorelei 
with her magic necklace
(Nez wets the tip of his quill pen)
Uncle: The monster in Peter's brain. No, no, no, no, no. 
Peter in the monster's brain.
Come on, you can figure this out
(Nez looking annoyed at having to scratch out the wrong answer 
on his notepad)
Uncle: No wait, Peter's brain in the monster.
(Lorelei and Uncle clap with the sound of fanfare)
Nez: (to the Uncle) Pardon me, do you have an eraser? 
(Uncle pulls out an eraser from his coat pocket)
Lucky for Nez the Uncle carries around spare erasers 
Uncle: Now, the underground crypt at midnight. 
At the height of the full moon. Beautiful, beautiful.
Singing a line form the Ray Stevens song EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL 
"Everything is beautiful
Everything is great"
Nez: Peter, monster's brain, underground crypt at midnight.
Got it? Good
 
SETTING: Dungeon
Micky: Well, I'm definitely getting a little nervous.
Davy: Me too.
Micky: Yeah, they're going to turn me into a Wolfman.
Davy: I don't know what you're complaining about. 
How'd you like to be a bat? All they do is get in people's hair.
They do other creepy things besides 
getting into people's hair. They eat insects, hang upside down in caves 
and cause blindness (as in the phrase "blind as a bat")
Micky: I wonder what it's going to be like to be a monster.
Be careful for what you wish for, Micky
(Davy and Micky become Dracula and Wolfman)
Davy: Blah, blah. I am Dracula, the bat.
Micky: growls
Davy: Hey Micky, can't you be a bit more articulate.
I didn't realize that a Wolfman is supposed to speak clearly
Micky: You dare to insult Wolfman? Blah-ha. 
Yes we do
Davy: One more word, and I will bite you in the neck. 
Ok!
Micky: Oh.
Davy: Hey listen, what happens to the girl?
What girl? This boy has a one-track mind even if he is a bat
Davy: You know, in the movies, when the girl goes through 
and then Dracula man bites her in the neck.
Micky: Wait. 
Davy: Where?
Micky: Wait.
Davy: Where?
Micky: *howls*
(a girl walks through)
Micky: Ohh.
Davy: Oh, ya ya ya ya ya ya ya.
Micky: Ohh. They don't call me the Wolfman for nothing. 
No, they don't call you Wolfman for nothing at all
Davy: Yeah. Wait, somebody's coming, somebody's coming. 
How do you know?
Micky: Don't be silly, it's a fantasy sequence.
(Uncle enters)
Uncle: I see you are already dressed. 
Davy: Well, y'know.
He saw it and couldn't resist trying it on
Uncle: Straighten up, Davy Jones, you have much to be proud of.
Micky: What are you doing in here? This is our fantasy. 
I'm always in your fantasies, Micky
Davy: Yeah, yeah, we're the Monkees. 
Singing a line from the MONKEES THEME 
"And people say we monkey around 
but we're too busy singing to put anybody down. 
Hey Hey were the Monkees"
Davy: You see, in every show we do a fantasy sequence where we 
romp around and jump and do funny things and nobody interrupts us
Except for a commercial break
Davy: Nobody 
The guys are so sensitive about their fantasy sequences
Uncle: It seems this show is different. 
They are all different
Micky: Look I'm warning you, so get out of our fantasy. 
What are you going to do if the Uncle doesn't get 
out of your fantasy, Micky?
Davy: Ours.
Uncle: In these fantasies you say you can do 
whatever you want. Is that so? 
Well, anything that meets NBC's moral standards
Davy: Right, right. Right Micky?
Micky: *growls*
Uncle: Then perhaps you try to take off your monster make-up. 
 *evil laugh*
Davy: Blah-hah-hah.
Micky: Of course we can get this make-up off, I just pull on this 
Make-up! Help me get this mask off. Help with the gloves.
You guys are not trying very hard to 
make it look like you can't get the make-up and mask off
Davy: Jack Williams? Make-up! Make-up. Okay, that's enough. 
I thought Keeva Johnson is the show's make-up man 
and Jack Williams is the show's property man
Micky: Okay, cut the scene.
One of Micky's first directing assignments
Davy: Cut that camera. We're through, we're leaving. 
You're not going to leave looking like that, are you?
Uncle: You're wrong, my friends
Friends? Since when is a vampire a friend to anyone?
Uncle: to think this is fantasy. This is reality. 
Actually, you are traveling to another dimension, 
a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. 
A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of an alteration
a place called The Monkees Zone.
Uncle: And you are not in charge here, I am. 
And I can draw you any time I want to simply by thinking about it. 
Uncle: Wolfman, chain these two up. Lorelei, on to the operation.
Does the Uncle think he can just order everyone 
around and get away with it? 
Well, I guess so
Wolfman: *growl*
Wolfman's thought: "Oh goodie, I get to help with the operation"
Uncle: The fantasy is over this is for keeps. 
Don't worry fantasies are not as bad as a nightmares
Uncle: *evil laugh*
Davy: and Micky: Blah-hah-hah 
If you two were scared before, you must really 
be frightened now that the Uncle can get into the show's fantasy sequences
Wolfman: *roar*
(Wolfman grabs Micky and Davy)
Davy: Down boy, down boy. Steady, steady. 
Micky give him some dog biscuits, Micky. 
I think the Wolfman prefers hotdogs, Davy
 
SETTING: Underground Crypt
(Nez walks down the stairs and slips on the last step) 
Watch your step, Nez
Uncle: (off camera) Quickly, Wolfman, quickly. This way.
Wolfman's thought: 
"Stop ordering me around, old man"
Nez: (opens mummy case) Uh, I'm just going to the next stop. 
(gets inside)
Next stop? Where is that? 
Uncle: Hurry. Here we are in my beautiful laboratory, 
in my beautiful castle in the dungeon with the beautiful 
fake backdrop, ready to start and we have Frank and Stein. 
Little joke. Now we start the surgical transference. 
Is there anything that isn't beautiful, Uncle?
Nez: (dressed as Mummy man) Sorry.
I never knew Mummies wear red flannel PJ's 
under their outer wraps
Uncle: Wait, my assistant. 
I thought that the Wolfman and Lorelei were your 
assistants?
Uncle: Where is the Mummy man?
Nez: Here I am, Mummy man.
Uncle: You are the Mummy man? 
Yeah, a Mummy man who wears a button that says
 "Save The Texas Prairie Chicken" and has a band-aid on his cheek
Nez: Watch this. (shouts) MUMMY! 
(looks at the Wolfman and scares him) See that, uh-huh, Mummy 
(Nez points at himself)
Uncle: I'll buy that. 
I don't- anyone one can scare the Wolfman 
Uncle: Now we begin the operation. This is a scalpel. 
(holds up a chisel)
Do I dare ask, Uncle, what are you going to do with it? 
I love the hunched over Igor look, Nez
Nez: No it's not.
Uncle: It's not?
Nez: That's not a scalpel, it's a bone chisel.
Uncle: What is it used for?
Nez: It's used to split.
Like Split Pea and Ham soup?
(Nez grabs one of the tables with a sheet on it 
and starts to leave)
Uncle: Where are you going? 
Nez is going to get as far away from 
you as he can
Nez: I'm gonna split. Uh-hyuk-yuk.
like lickety split
Uncle: But you didn't tell me what these were!
(Uncle holds up another instrument)
Figure it out for yourself, Uncle, 
while the guys are busy leaving the castle
 
SETTING: Dungeon
Nez: Dun-da-DA!
Thank heavens you've come
Singing a line from the MIGHTY MOUSE THEME SONG 
"Mr. Trouble never hangs around 
when he hears this mighty sound
Here I come to save the day"
Micky: Mike, Mike, you've come to save us, Mike, thank you, thank 
you, oh great Michael. 
All hail Mike!
Nez: Ha, no problem 
No Problem? Is that what he said? 
He makes it sound like it was so easy to be the Mummy man to the rescue
Nez: I'll have you out ... 
Maybe you should just leave Micky there, Nez, 
cause he will shed all over the pad
Nez: (to Micky) You know what, you better get a haircut, man. 
They won't let you in Disneyland like that. Huh. 
Who cares, it's over rated anyway
Micky: groans
 
SETTING: Underground Crypt
Uncle: That is a chisel? 
(holding a chisel in his hand) 
Uncle: All the time I thought that was a chisel. 
(holding another tool in his other hand)
Well, I guess you learn something new 
everyday no matter how old you are
Uncle: That was no Mummy. That was a Monkee! 
Well, it took you long enough to figure it out
Wolfman: *growls* 
The Wolfman's thought: "Yeah! Yeah!"
Uncle: He's probably gone to free the others. 
You think?
Lorelei: But we still control the others.
I thought a small minority of loyal fans control the Monkees
Uncle: That's right. We do control them.
With our thought waves. I'll fix him. Oooh.
Don't hurt the guys, Uncle, they only have so many thought waves
 
SETTING: Dungeon
Micky: Oh, thank you, Mike. Oh, thank you. 
I can't tell you how much I appreciate that old buddy.
Nez: No problem, no problem, help each other out, that's it. 
How sweet!
Micky: Buddy-poo, friendly.
Buddy-poo?
 
SETTING: Underground Crypt
Uncle: OOOOOOooooh.
 
SETTING: Dungeon
Micky: (becomes startled and bites Mike's hand) *growls*
Nez: (to the camera) He's really biting my hand you know.
Must be tasty
Davy: That's no way to show your appreciation to 
Mike. Micky! Mike ...
You're right, Davy, it's your way of showing 
Mike your appreciation
 
SETTING: Underground Crypt
Uncle: OOOOOOooohh. 
(motions with his hand to control Davy's mind)
 
SETTING: Dungeon
(becomes startled and says to Mike) 
Davy: I want to drink your blood. 
Wouldn't you prefer to sip his blood instead or maybe have tomato 
juice instead? The Uncle did say it would take a few days to get used to blood
(Davy tries to bite Mike's neck) 
Don't give Nez a hickey, Davy
 
SETTING: Underground Crypt
Uncle: Oooooh. You know, I think we got a hit. 
Geez, you hum a couple of high sounding 
"Oooooh's" and suddenly people think it's a hit song
 
SETTING: Dungeon
Nez: (under attack by Micky and Davy) Peter, Peter. Hey man, wake up.
 
SETTING: Underground Crypt
Uncle: At least we still have the monster. 
(pulls back sheet)
Uncle: It's Peter. 
Keep your eyes closed, Peter. You are still supposed to be unconscious 
Uncle: He took the wrong monster.
What kind of monster is Peter- a real tiger? Roar!
Lorelei: That means the real monster is with them.
Uncle: Yes! But it is lifeless. 
We all feel that way sometimes
Lorelei: But the energizing switch is here in the 
crypt, isn't it? 
Well if you don't know I'm certainly not going to tell you 
Uncle: That's right. We can bring him back to life from
here. You know something, you're not such a bad kid. 
As opposed to being a good kid? 
Uncle: You realize, the last time I did this, New York
 went out. 
When was that? 
Uncle: Let's see how clever they are with the monster. 
He don't monkey around. Huh Huh
Uncle's thought: "excuse the pun" 
 
SETTING: Dungeon
GOIN' DOWN romp
Singing a line from the Halloween favorite novelty song THE MONSTER MASH 
"They do the mash (they do the monster mash)
The monster mash. 
It was a graveyard smash (the monster mash)
 It caught on in a flash. 
They played the monster mash" 
The monster rises from the table. 
The Mummy scares the Uncle then the Uncle changes the 
Mummy into a girl who slaps the Uncle when he attempts to kiss her. 
The Wolfman and Micky fight over a red fire hydrant. 
The monster charges toward Davy with his arms stretched out and 
misses Davy's neck.
Davy must be glad he is short and the monster is so tall 
Nez carries a torch and the Uncle lights his cigar with it 
then the cigar explodes. 
You know, the old exploding cigar bit, works every time
Peter throws a small bone for the Wolfman to play catch with. 
Here, Wolfman, fetch Davy and Uncle compare Dracula poses. 
Put your glove on correctly before you do comparison poses with the Uncle, Davy
Nez connects/ disconnects the monster's batteries in the 
monster's neck. 
Pretty neat 
The Mummy tries to strangle Micky but Micky grabs the Mummy's 
wraps and unravels him.
 Oh lay
The monster connects/ disconnects the "batteries" in Nez's neck 
(much to Nez's annoyance). 
Nez's thought: "don't do that" 
Peter tightens the screws on the suit of armor.
Let's hope that the suit of armor doesn't rust easily
Davy uses a ladder to get up to squeeze the monster's nose 
then the monster grabs Davy by the neck. 
Davy, it's not nice to squeeze someone's nose 
The monster, Lorelei and the suit of armor takes turns dancing 
with each other. 
dance, Monkees, dance
The monster and the suit of armor apparently like to dance with 
each other rather than dancing with Lorelei 
The Uncle scares Peter then Peter scares the Uncle 
away with a large lollipop.
 An all day sucker!
Nez, Mike, Peter and Davy run down a path next to an 
iron chain fence then they run around an outside column 
structure 
What has this to do with chasing after the Uncle, Lorelei, the 
monster and the suit of armor inside a scary castle?
 
SETTING: Library
Nez: Well, I read in the book
What book is that? 
Nez: Where it says that if the monsters are defeated they 
can't return for a thousand years.
Oh good, I was worried that they would return in the next episode
Peter: Oh yeah? What time is it? 
It's time to go
Nez: Come on.
Davy: Oh, that's a nice watch, who bought you that?
Peter: (pointing to Nez) Michael.
Davy: Oh. 
Davy's thought: "How come Nez didn't get me a watch?"
Micky: And I looked in the book and the only monsters in 
there are Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman and the Mummy 
so there's no more monsters as far as I can see.
(puts his hand over his eyes as if he is 
searching for something)
What about the Boogeyman?
Nez: Right.
Micky, I guess you had to grab the book away from Nez so you could 
read the book too
(the book then floats in midair) 
You know that the book was going to end up suspended by 
wires because you can see them and also how Nez is holding the book
Peter: Ahhh! Ah, look, look the, the invisible man, 
the invisible man is here ...
Who's afraid of the big bad invisible man?
Micky: No, no Peter. It's not the invisible man, no, 
it's just special effects.
Davy: What special effects? 
Peter: special effects?
I don't know either. Tell us
Micky: There's wires holding the book up.
Nez: Watch this. 
(takes a scissors from the top of the desk and cuts two strings)
Davy and Peter: *laugh*
(Peter cuts a wire with the scissors)
Micky: Wires. Little thin black wires.
Davy: Let me do that. Let me do that. 
Micky, Nez and Peter's thought: "Why does Davy always have to do everything"
Micky: Tinsel and fabric.
Wait, if this book is only being held up by a 
small amount of tinsel and fabric...
(Davy snips last wire and the book drops on Peter's foot)
Peter: Oh! 
I hope Davy apologized to Peter for dropping the book on his foot
 
FOR PETE'S SAKE and END CREDITS
FOR PETE'S SAKE is one of my favorite songs Peter ever wrote!
Very 60's sounding but universal in its message about loving one another
 
Some thoughts after seeing the episode: 
Why is Micky sleeping in the chaise?
Mummys wear red flannel underwear?
Why is the umbrella that Davy carries into the castle folded and dry when it is raining outside?
What happens to the umbrella that Micky is using when Peter knocks on the castle door?
Why does the Uncle carry around an eraser in his pocket?
Why is there a bed in the background inside the underground crypt?
Why is Mike's name deleated in the end credits for writing "Goin' Down"?
Lorelei (or Loreley) is a high cliff above the Rhine River between the German towns 
Mainz and Kolbenz. At that point in the river, the river becomes swift and dangerous.
Legend says the echo heard at the top of the cliff is a nymph luring men to deconstruction.

Note: Thanks to the Monkee Television for the script

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